The anguish that has
seeped into every cell of my body is almost unbearable. It would be so easy to just give up,
although, I know I cannot. Then when you
think of the finality – that you know all too well – and how it affects your
family; you know that you must go on, you must survive this.
I have been blessed
with the contact, conversations, and glimpses into the spirit realm where
Jeremy is complete and happy and it has been salve to my bleeding heart…..I am
truly thankful. I am so grateful; really
there aren’t words enough to say how thankful I am because I know that Jeremy
has worked extremely hard to reach me. Thank
you, son.
I cling to that
moment when I saw life as a gift wrapped in red glistening paper and a big red
bow. I truly felt – I saw into the spirit
realm and FELT the palatable joy that was permeating Jeremy’s new form. My God, Oh my God….he is so happy.
With that said, it
doesn’t stop the pain that I endure every single second of every single
day. The only reprieve is sleep; I feel
I am sleeping my life away. Grief is
such a powerful emotion. I am finding
that it can destroy you or it can pivot you into sheer determination to
survive. I am choosing the latter.
I hope and pray that what
remains of my journey that someone, somewhere will benefit from my
memoirs. I pray that all the parents who
are just stepping into this blinding and devastating loss can find a glimmer of
hope.
My heart aches, my
body is tired, my mind is confused and the mixed signals that are in my head
keep me unraveled most days. But, then I
find a ray of sonshine that gives me strength to carry on, one more day.
“Don’t go to
Midnight, Mom”, Jeremy has been a monumental saving grace for me to complete my
journey. I have to ask, however; why my
son – he has so much more to give. Why
not me, I would have happily traded places.
But, then I remember the sheer joy that was almost tangible and I think –
how could I possibly deny Jeremy such a state of happiness and wellbeing.
He worked so hard
those twenty-six years earthbound completing his journey, sacrificing comforts
and pleasures as a young man and then giving the ultimate sacrifice as Jesus
talks about in the Bible, laying down your life for your brother.
I know it is a much
deserved transition and the Mom in me will gladly support his charted
destination and be happy for him.
Yet, I find, I must
not deprive myself of grief. I must find
a way to grieve that honors Jeremy and our Divine Creator. I must be selfless and find the grace and
courage to bear the cross that has been given me. Yet, at the same time be patient with my
heart and soul knowing that in time we will meet again.
I can only do this
with the strength of God, Mother Nature, all the light beings and the blessed spiritual
reunion with my son.
Yes, grief can be
such a selfless and selfish emotion – no wonder it is all so confusing.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
Dear Sandra,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the conflict you feel between the joy you feel for Jeremy and at the same time missing him so. Your writing is beautiful and I hope that recording your painful emotions helps to clarify how you feel and perhaps be able to release it some. I know that no one can make it all better for you and there are no easy answers. But I do think that being conscious of how you feel and not running from it does pay off. It's like tending to a wound, you can't ignore it or it might fester, but caring for it and acknowledging it does help it heal over time. Time... that's the hard part!
I wish you peace and comfort in knowing your son is well cared for and he had a life well lived. Take care of yourself- your friend (and TAPS peer mentor), Meredith
Thank you dear and sweet Meredith xx
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