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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

It will be seventeen months tomorrow and I am sure missing my son in the physical realm.  However, with that said, in many ways I have spent more time with him in his nonphysical form than I did while he walked with us in this world.  Jeremy was gone so much of the time after he graduated High School due to all the deployments and time spent at Camp Pendleton, however; he was great about staying in touch with the family when he could.

I have spoken to parents who have suffered a few years of grief and others that have had ten years and it is said that we will learn to live with our children’s transition but that it never gets “easier”.  I find for me it is much safer to focus on Jeremy’s transition and the afterlife; being in tune with the fact that Jeremy lives on than to focus on his departing this world.  Focusing on death is so final in the physical realm; our world.  However; knowing that Jeremy is alive and happy in another dimension gives me such hope and focus spiritually.

I know we all handle our cross that we now bear much differently one from the other but it all comes down to not having our children with us for the rest of our journey in this world.  I have been asked if I could have Jeremy return would I?  The answer, hands down, is no.  He charted his life, completed his goals, transitioned and transcended with honors.  How could I possibly be selfish enough to want him to return knowing how happy he is.

Admittedly, in the inception of our tragedy; I begged, bargained and came up with all kinds of reasoning regarding Jeremy returning.  These are truly the darkest hours and are filled with tormenting anguish.  My sweet and loving son has taught me how to stay out of Midnight and I have learned to slam the door to the darkness that awaits my mourning; I am very sensitive to Midnight calling me and the attempt to cover me with a blanket of darkness.  I simply say no, I will not return to Midnight and I reach for the Light.  I call upon The Spirit, Archangels, Ascended Master and my son who has been a tremendous teacher and guiding me with such compassion and love; the Light diminishes darkness in a Nano-second.  Darkness cannot stay for The Light dispels the darkness instantly.

I personally do little things that help bring me comfort; some of which some would think I need a white jacket that would hug me.  I leave little notes telling Jeremy I love him, I will have a special food that he loves during preparation will talk to him about how we enjoy our cookouts, etc.  I have a chair that he sat in in my room with pillows and a reading lamp.  I have a special wall with all his beautiful military pictures and underneath special pictures of Jeremy and my daughter and a few including myself.  I had a special “street sign” made with his name, Texas and USMC printed on it and I fly his Marine flag and our country’s flag next to it – Memory Lane.  Anything I can do, say, or make that would bring him honor and to always keep his memory alive; I will do this as often as possible.  I make it a point to never refer to him as “d e a d” and never refer to him in the past tense.  He is after all still my son and he does live on; just somewhere else – just a thin veil away.

I do not label myself regarding religion, politics or any other forms of labeling; I stay as positive and open as I can making sure that I always walk in the Light and try to make sure my armor isn’t chinked because friends and family can bring lower energies that can affect me. I too can succumb to lower energies and stay in prayer mode and in the Light as much as possible; even during my mundane chores. 

I try to keep a thankful and grateful heart for all things that have been gifted to me and for all those who are still with me.  I am more active than before and I concentrate on being a good steward regarding all of my blessings. 

I work it all very hard including finding as many positive ways to look at our tragedy.  There is always something that you can find to be thankful for and stay in gratitude of.  However; in the beginning I did not – it has taken a lot of tears and long days and nights to work myself to just being thankful to wake up.

I look pretty ridiculous sometimes because I have found, purely by accident that I frown all the time…. I caught a glimpse of my reflection a few times and so now I will make myself smile – even though I don’t feel up to….. I am sure it is a pretty frightening look but before it is over I am laughing at myself for being so goofy. 

Anything my friends to bring a little joy and laughter because it is salve to the heart and soul and healing to the bones.

My physical fitness had gone downhill and I am being very careful with myself to become healthy and stay that way.  I make sure I get the rest I need – that various from day to day.  Some days take more out of me than others and I require more sleep.  I am careful to not eat foods that are not healthy for me and not drink or take anything that would enhance my depression.

It is a forward journey now even though there are still steps back periodically. I hope my intent by sharing and exposing myself is that I help someone, anyone somewhere.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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