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Monday, August 27, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

The anguish that has seeped into every cell of my body is almost unbearable.  It would be so easy to just give up, although, I know I cannot.  Then when you think of the finality – that you know all too well – and how it affects your family; you know that you must go on, you must survive this.

I have been blessed with the contact, conversations, and glimpses into the spirit realm where Jeremy is complete and happy and it has been salve to my bleeding heart…..I am truly thankful.  I am so grateful; really there aren’t words enough to say how thankful I am because I know that Jeremy has worked extremely hard to reach me.  Thank you, son.

I cling to that moment when I saw life as a gift wrapped in red glistening paper and a big red bow.  I truly felt – I saw into the spirit realm and FELT the palatable joy that was permeating Jeremy’s new form.  My God, Oh my God….he is so happy.

With that said, it doesn’t stop the pain that I endure every single second of every single day.  The only reprieve is sleep; I feel I am sleeping my life away.  Grief is such a powerful emotion.  I am finding that it can destroy you or it can pivot you into sheer determination to survive.   I am choosing the latter. 

I hope and pray that what remains of my journey that someone, somewhere will benefit from my memoirs.  I pray that all the parents who are just stepping into this blinding and devastating loss can find a glimmer of hope.

My heart aches, my body is tired, my mind is confused and the mixed signals that are in my head keep me unraveled most days.  But, then I find a ray of sonshine that gives me strength to carry on, one more day. 

“Don’t go to Midnight, Mom”, Jeremy has been a monumental saving grace for me to complete my journey.  I have to ask, however; why my son – he has so much more to give.  Why not me, I would have happily traded places.  But, then I remember the sheer joy that was almost tangible and I think – how could I possibly deny Jeremy such a state of happiness and wellbeing. 

He worked so hard those twenty-six years earthbound completing his journey, sacrificing comforts and pleasures as a young man and then giving the ultimate sacrifice as Jesus talks about in the Bible, laying down your life for your brother.

I know it is a much deserved transition and the Mom in me will gladly support his charted destination and be happy for him.

Yet, I find, I must not deprive myself of grief.  I must find a way to grieve that honors Jeremy and our Divine Creator.  I must be selfless and find the grace and courage to bear the cross that has been given me.  Yet, at the same time be patient with my heart and soul knowing that in time we will meet again.

I can only do this with the strength of God, Mother Nature, all the light beings and the blessed spiritual reunion with my son.

Yes, grief can be such a selfless and selfish emotion – no wonder it is all so confusing. 


In love and understanding,

Sandra xx


  1. Dear Sandra,
    I can relate to the conflict you feel between the joy you feel for Jeremy and at the same time missing him so. Your writing is beautiful and I hope that recording your painful emotions helps to clarify how you feel and perhaps be able to release it some. I know that no one can make it all better for you and there are no easy answers. But I do think that being conscious of how you feel and not running from it does pay off. It's like tending to a wound, you can't ignore it or it might fester, but caring for it and acknowledging it does help it heal over time. Time... that's the hard part!

    I wish you peace and comfort in knowing your son is well cared for and he had a life well lived. Take care of yourself- your friend (and TAPS peer mentor), Meredith