Memoirs with Jeremy

Memories with Jeremy April 3, 2017

For all surviving parents:

I have learned much in the last six years; mostly about love, forgiveness and a deep appreciation of nature and the world we live in.  I am learning to live in the now and endeavor to be present at all times.  However, I still struggle with the mundane things of life and more importantly the absence of my son.   

I can only write and share of my experience.  I am fortunate that it has been an intense spiritual journey for me personally.  I share only as an avenue of reaching someone, somewhere that would benefit or identify with my life changes.

Finding a life purpose again has been a challenge.  Six years ago to get up and dressed was a challenge.  So to speak of having purpose is a big step going forward.  Losing a child forever changes your life and everything in it.  At some level everything changes.  It takes strength and sheer determination to find a way to continue and years to let life and grief coexist.  Grief is a life sentence; it never dissipates nor does it grow less in its intensity.  But, we can and do learn to cope with what destiny has handed us.

How we process grief is an individual process.  It is unique and solely griever’s choice.  It is personal choices we make and our instincts that help with the ebbs and flows of dealing with the magnitude of emotions that arise in the rollercoaster of healing.  But, through the darkness blinded by fear and grief – we do find our way.  We do survive.

For me survival mode has been my spiritual beliefs.  I believe in destiny but I also think that our free will choices are what paints and fills in our lives – each and every detail.  I believe in the hereafter, always have, but especially now that I have had soul communication with Jeremy.

Our lives will never be the same again.  How could it be?  The “new normal” is what I reached for only to find there is nothing normal about my son’s transition in the earthly realm.  Places and things can be replaced by mixing the old with the new or starting over in an environment or location that helps you with a fresh start.  The weight of grief, however; never changes.  It goes where you go and it has whatever power you lend it to make your day.

There are reprieves from grief as time goes on and the breaks last longer.  We learn to start living again.  There are no timelines – some take longer than others and everyone’s process is different.   It has taken me years to find ways for grief and healing to coexist.  We finally get there, the darkness begins subsiding and the breaks from grief are more often – we are healing and will continue to heal and move forward coexisting with our grief.

I read once that children are orphaned, spouses are widows and we as grieving parents are survivors.   The loss is so unbearable that we hope to one day learn to live again - surviving without our child.

What I have learned, spiritually, is that Jeremy is always with me.  Always; I speak his name and he says I am here mom.  I find that in some ways I am spending more (spiritual) time with him than I did earthly or real time.  I share sunrises and sunsets with him; my thoughts seem to blend and bind us.  I find much peace and hope in “until we meet again”.  I think of him and he is there; there is so much truth in the spiritual realm of loved ones helping those who are bound by earthly realms to survive.

I have learned that the soul bond never diminishes or evaporates.  It can never be broken and our loved ones are a thought away.  When we think of them; they are with us.   I believe they help us with the healing process and join us in our efforts to move forward.   I could not have made it without my son’s presence at the inception of our tragedy – and still today – there is always the thought that he is a breath away to help me move forward.

Grief transforms us.  We are not the same.  It changes how we look at our lives, our values and thoughts that have shaped us.  How we look at the world is altered at best and the “loss” of our loved one impacts us the rest of our lives.

The personal choices – the ones that color our world – are what shape us into who we are to live the destiny we have been handed with our loved ones.  I wish for us all to transcend the darkness and be enlightened by our children’s and loved ones in the spiritual dimension who are helping us.

It is a challenge we must face.  I am a Marine Mom and my strength came from my son’s bravery and I never want to disappoint (although in truth in the spirit realm I could not).  I challenged myself that I be as brave in life as Jeremy was in death.  I find the strength in he is still alive just in another dimension.  I find solace in that I can feel his presence and with a thought our souls communicate.   I love that I think of him and he assures me time and time again “I am here Mom”.  I love that he is a breath away and that we will reunite again. 

I love him with an immutable love that breaks barriers between earth and the spirit realm. 

I love you Sonshine – I am honored to be the proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC  03-09-85-04-06-11