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Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Memoirs with Jeremy

As I awake this morning the roiling tumultuous and dread of facing reality slams into me.  Some days it hits me hard.  Today is one of those days that it violently seeps into my consciousness as I am awakening from a deep slumber.  I am stuck; there is no other way than just facing another day without my Jeremy, my Sonshine.   I am irritable and sick to my stomach and I force myself to be up and about.  As I take my babes outside I am reminded that I still have things to be thankful for and breathing in the country air and watching the sun come up helped me stabilize my emotional roller-coaster........ I thought it would be healing for me and helpful to someone to pen my experience.

I am forced to go along with my routine because I have four-legged kids who need my attention.  I am very thankful for them.  They sense my despair and do what they can to make me feel better and they do.....I love that they love me unconditionally.  I am so thankful for their companionship and love.  They are light and healing for me.

I miss Jeremy with all my heart and soul.  I have many things in my past that I wish I had done differently with and for him.  I tried to be the best mom ever, but fell short of the mark on several occasions.  I thought leaving Arlington and moving to Plano was a best laid plan, but Jeremy did not want to leave his school and friends and....wanted to try living with his dad for a change.  It broke my heart and I was at a loss without him.  But, the move was being executed and there was no turning back.  With that said, he spent all his free time with me and we did have an adventure and did many fun things that we couldn't have done if I had stayed in Arlington.  It is complicated in a sense and simple in another.  When I address this regret I am reminded that he was given a lot in return for this action that seemed so defining for me.  He was only preteen, but I knew deep in my heart it had to be his choice.  So my regret is full of good memories as well and provided a life for Jeremy that would have been otherwise very boring.

I am doing much better six years and four months later than I ever thought I would - it is astonishing to know that you can plow forward with such heart breaking devastation as losing a child.  My heart goes out to parents who are facing their first few years of learning how to cope with such loss.  It is such a dark black hole - a living nightmare - all encompassing torture that never truly ends.  But, you do manage to start seeing light again even though your life has been irrevocably changed forever.

I hung on for dear life because I wanted Jeremy to be proud of me and mostly for my daughter and grands - they truly kept me grounded.  I have read that most parents want to give up and go be with their beloved - I know I did - but never could such a selfish act consume me for I love my daughter so much that I would never leave her to deal with this alone.  She adored Jeremy and her loss was right next to mine - devastatingly-devastated. 

I rather write of a spirit-filled journey and share the encounters I have had with Jeremy which were life saving for me.  But, I felt today that such a dark place needed to be shared for it is never discussed among the living.  Such darkness is usually hidden and leaves one to wonder if others feel the same.  They do - I would say probably 100% of us do - I have know way of truly knowing that and it is assumed on the basis of how difficult it is for your child to pass before you.  But, I will say it is, unfortunately, common among us to have these feelings.  I would never act on these feelings for I would never want Jeremy to feel responsible for me.....again, I would never do that to my daughter.  It is a dark place but you manage it - you just do. 

We still have the choice of making our lives as bearable and eventually functional as we can.  In the last six years I have made progress that seemed to never come.  As I look back I see how gradual it has been yet the progress is definitely there.  It is still as painful and there is a hole in my heart and an empty place in my life in all dimensions.  But, I live in hopes of bringing some kind of honor and life to Jeremy's memory and do many things in his stead. 

After I move along my morning and grasp my emotions - I am so thankful to have been given the honor of being Jeremy's mom, I am so thankful and proud to have been his mom, to spend time with him and to know him as no other could.  I am thankful that God/Spirit has provided for me and has righted me in a place that brings healing.  I am so very thankful for my daughter, her husband and my grands.  There is still much to live for - for me.  There is still much to do for others.  There is still much to be thankful in the beautiful and gorgeous Universe that has been created for us to love.  I realized that I will have an eternity with Jeremy but life on earth will be a short journey and I want to enjoy what is left of it.

Peace and contentment are much to be thankful for.  You will find it - it just takes excruciatingly snail pace time and time and time......

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

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