I have been on a roller-coaster ride emotionally for the last six months. I know I have made progress because I have somewhat of a normal routine now. I am actually getting dressed most days. I haven't really hit the anger mode about all this yet; although, it peeks its head up periodically. I could never truly be angry with my son for choosing his way, but dang......it sure has "ruined" my life and has totally altered my daughters. I am slowly accepting this. When the totality of what has truly happened hit's me head on I feel like I am going into a dark place to never return. However; I am capable of pushing it down; take deep breaths and push, push, push until I stabilize. It is such a nightmare.
I am sad to say that I know there are so many, in fact, too many other parents who share this nightmare with me. It is why I choose to blog these feelings.....some negative and others offered with more light. I feel if I am not totally honest with what I go through that I wouldn't be able to actually help anyone and they benefit from my journals.
At the inception of this tragedy I looked for anything to cling to. I searched for milestones. I was desperate to know what was normal and what wasn't......I needed to find some type of thermometer to gauge myself to know that I wasn't losing my mind. Somewhere in all of this I decided to record via blog.
I have had impressions of Jeremy and his transition. Part of the reason I am not blogging more often is that I am not hearing from him as often as I was in the beginning.
I have had dreams and visions and have had recently had these confirmed - Jeremy is very busy .... in fact, very-very busy with his tasks/chores that he has been assigned. He still drops in on me. When I am desperate I hear him say...."I am here, Mom". I need that fairly regularly. But......I know that I have to move forward.....and so does Jeremy. We, as here on the earthly plane, have our separate lives and we do visit periodically.
I have seen him working. It is of a military nature. He is part of the Angel Warrior team....and I have sensed Archangel Michael with him. I saw Jeremy as a leader (perhaps SSGT.) of his assigned team and again it was of military nature.....organizing and moving things around.....he was very much in charge.
Another time I was allowed to walk through a city - very beautiful city - with him. It was full of white homes....glistening. There were lots and lots of columns....very majestic. There was a building that held records that we went into first and after I was allowed to walk through these columns to where he resides now. I never saw into his home; it was more of a journey to his place....it was gorgeous.
The most important vision I have had has been how VERY happy he is....glowed with peace, contentment and love. It was mesmerizing to see him so at peace and full of love and joy.
Jeremy has spoken of the colors in his dimension and how magnificently beautiful they are - more so than here. He has often said there are no earthly words to describe the colors and beauty.
He has spoken of the love. He said the love there was so all encompassing and - again - there was no earthly words to describe the love that abounds in his realm. I could feel the love emanating from him.....it was beautiful. Full of love......and to say he is happy is so inadequately put.....he glowed. He looked rested, healthy and peaceful.
I am so thankful for these visions. I am so grateful for the visits....he has visited me and I have visited him and then there have been times we met in the middle. One particular night we flew among the stars - we just hung out. I have been amazed at how powerful he is in the Spirit.
I miss my son so much. I look forward to being untied with him. But, I would never ask him not to fulfill his destiny. I have said that Jeremy knew he wasn't returning - I knew it too. He gave his life for his brothers - there is no greater love - earthly love. Now, he gets to reap the benefits.
I try not to be too needy - kind of fell short of the mark recently my grief unbearable. But, dang, he was there spot on and sent so much love and reassurance and confirmed some private family matters that I needed to have confirmed. He reiterated that I should definitely not feel any guilt about our life and our life choices. I was pretty emotional regarding this visit so it was more about comforting me this round. I was told I had survivor's guilt. That makes sense. In fact, it makes a lot of sense and helps me immeasurably to move forward.
During this visit with him he referred to Shayda (his sister) and how they played and prodded each other - OMGosh - they were brutal with each other but it was always filled with such love and laughter - and respect. I heard him laughing referring to how child like they were even as adults "playing" with each other. I so miss that - but it made me laugh too - it was if many of their moments together flashed in my minds eye and I got to relive it all again - it makes me smile now.
I love you Sonshine - thank you for all the great memories. I look forward to another visit and hopefully the next one I will be stronger and we can get on to enlightening me instead of just comforting me. I love you - and am so proud of you.
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-11