In some ways the last (almost) four years have sped by. In others, I feel like I am trapped in "Ground Hog Day". Every morning when I awaken I take a deep breathe and say "let's do this". I make a choice every breathing moment to make the best of every day. Some days that is zoning out and just watching movies or playing scrabble others it is participating in life and sometimes on a really good day I will interact with others.
I read a long time ago that when a mom has a child that passes before her that it takes at least four to five years to feel "human" again. To feel life and want to live life.....find that new normal. It will be four years in April.....I have gone forward and I have and am still learning to integrate this tragedy into my waking moments.
My brain shut down at the inception of this very tragic event. Literally shut down; I couldn't drive, cook and on a lot of days in the beginning even bathe. Now I am back to my routine of daily requirements of cooking, eating and hygiene. I do drive more than before but am still working on that one.
In the beginning I would have white outs......just everything went stark blazing white and I could not see a thing and could not tell you how much time had lapsed....hence; no driving for me. Then, when things got a little easier, I would only have black outs with time elapsing. I have graduated to not having either the white or black outs but my short term memory is still on the blink some days.
I slept nearly two years of my life. Only getting up to do the things that had to be done....my poor four-legged children would draw in close and keep me company and take care of me as I drifted into nothingness.
I sleep the normal amount of time now.....most days. Although, I can feel in my body when I need to take a reprieve from life and just sleep......sleep.....where there is no pain and not one reminder of the absence of my beautiful son Jeremy.
Spiritually, I know he is with me. I hear his voice when I listen.....a lot of the time I scramble my brain with senseless activity.....realizing now that the last two years (almost) has been a lot of the "white noise".....I am beginning to settle back into a life of no resistance and ease into the acknowledgement .....this is really true.....it is so.
So sleeping two years and white noise for almost two more ..... doing whatever it takes to get through the day.....well, actually minutes of each day to find the relief that is necessary to be able to participate in life again.
With that said, whoever wrote that it takes 4-5 years was absolutely correct; I have a feeling that new all to well.
I am still at the damnable "acceptance" ....... and struggling with the 9 steps or 100 steps to recovery.
Why? I ask myself. Well, because accept means: go along with, agree, concede, concur affirm, Acceptance: is a kind of approval....acceptable is a sort of fair, satisfactory and tolerable state. I have run this through my brain so many times....some of the white noise if you well.
The opposite, of course, is resist/resistance which is obviously the fight, struggle, battle, refuse, contest balk and defy. Which in the beginning you certainly do that ....very much do that....however; it is a shock mechanism in my opinion to help you slowly be able to move to the realization that .... it is so.
What I have learned is that the path of least resistance is the ease of life. It is still unacceptable to me that this has happened to my son so beautiful and full of life and love, however; if I not resist that and move into the ease and gentle alignment with energy and Source then my body and mind will follow this alignment and I will find the balance of recovery and maintain a life of least resistance.
In the path of least resistance I have become more functional and am beginning to appreciate the gift of life again. There are so many things to be thankful for and if I purposefully look for what remains then I can get through my day with much more ease. I look for things that are light, love and peace. In the mornings a simple yet gorgeous sunrise can cause me to smile and appreciate God's "artwork"....same for the sunsets..... The voice of my daughter and grands bring me joy and love and peace every single day. The symphony of song birds reminds me that life is beautiful. I seek out things to be thankful for; I search my soul until I find that place of ease.....that place of peace.....the place of faith. When I stay in touch with my personal Source then I find alignment with nature, love and harmony which brings me to the place of peace and contentment, an ease with life on earth.
In the beginning of this new normal.....I put every foot in front of the other for my daughter and to be a brave and strong Marine Mom.......now ......today......most days.....I do it just for me. I know that Jeremy would wish nothing but a good rest of my life for me......
In appreciation, love and honor for my sweet and beautiful son.
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC
I love you Sonshine xxxxx