Memoirs with Jeremy, January 9, 2015
It has been three years and nine months.......still counting. It seems like yesterday yet surreal. Has this really happened? I want to stay in a mindset of "Jeremy being deployed". Then I think .....he has.....he has "deployed" into the spiritual realm.
I haven't had the "supernatural" occurrences as I did at the inception of Jeremy's transition. I long for a visit and have asked many numerous times why not now? I miss him so much and just to hear his voice or have one of "those things that just happened" occur would go a long way with me. Yet, I know that I have to learn to journey on my own.
The holidays were excruciating this year......again. However, now that I have gotten through them I have done a lot of reflection. Taking a good look at myself regarding where I am today and where I have been.....mostly my past.
The reflection has been a positive one. I have visited every house I have owned, every structure I have rented, all the places I have lived and most importantly.....parenting my children.
It dawned on me that every desire and thought I have ever had has manifested itself. Let me qualify that statement. I speak more of material things than people. Perhaps I have focused on material things rather than relationships because outside of my kids I have never had a relationship that has lasted or has meant as much. I have loved....I have loved deeply but I don't think I have every had the kind of unconditional love with anyone as I have with my children.
With that said.....and going back to the manifestations of my life I realize how spiritual my life has been. Even though not feeling it, my thoughts and desires kept right on going. I haven't "arrived" in financial success like some but I believe the reason is because of my feelings. I have always been in a whirlwind....my childhood, my marriage/s and financially. Until, that is, I had my children and at that moment in my life I began to "grow up".
My first born was a significant spiritual experience and miracle to me. I, therefore, went looking for a spiritual journey. I am in a Bible-Belt and have had exposure to the State side religions and ended up in a charismatic movement which was awesome, however; much to my dismay, was still religious. I somehow knew that a lot of the religion was man-made bunk and unknowingly at the time reached out for true spirituality.
Going further into my life and after my children’s dad and I became pastors and assistant pastors, worship leaders in church/es….we divorced. I remarried 10 plus years later and right before Jeremy's transition divorced again. These were both traumatic experiences and I knowingly looked for Spirit.
I believe, in part, it was a process to help me handle Jeremy's departure into the Spirit realm. God only knows, I mean that literally, that it very much saved my life because I had one foot in the door to go with. Well, simply, it wasn't my time but it sure did feel like it and I wanted very much to get out of the pain that was in my body.
You may ask.....was this transition my thoughts and desires? Surely not and it has been one of the things I have known without a doubt....I have never doubted.....my son lived his life exactly to his thoughts and desires and his “untimely” departure was part of his journey. He chose for his journey not to be as long as mine. I believe with all my heart that in the Spirit realm before manifesting into the earthly realm we agreed to sojourn together....his way.....and me my way. I feel that I may very well kick my own butt upon arrival to the heavenly hereafter for agreeing to such drastic experience/s.
Since Jeremy's transition I have had to find my own rhythm again....without him as a parent. I want to find the vortex of peace, love and desire of creation again. I believe if we are not creating we are not living. We are creating with every breath we take.....either positively or negatively. I have had to learn to rise above the desperate feelings of the most excruciating pain I have ever felt.....which brings with it so many dark emotions of depression, lack, and mostly fear in every arena of your life.
I still hurt. It still hurts.....it is still excruciating. However; I came to realize after reflecting on all my spiritual experiences with Jeremy, and there were so many; that I have to raise my vibration spiritually. He was there to help me in the beginning - he is helping me now too.....to learn to go forward in the physical realm. I wish not to just exist but learn as much as I can about the spiritual realm....after all; that is where he “resides” now and it brings comfort grasping as much spiritually as I can. It has been baby steps. I go backwards and then I have days I go forward.
I look back to 2011 and I realize I have made a lot of progress. Even though the pain remains and I want to collapse under it sometimes....I …..have …..made progress and the important thing is ......that is my desire and my thoughts.
We are such a complex entity. We are comprised of trillions of cells....I am no scientist but believe it when I am "told" we are energy. I have seen Jeremy's energy when he "helped" me on a particularly bad day so I am have the inclination to believe in the energy concept. I believe our cells are constantly seeking alignment with Source and if/when we allow ourselves to align with good feeling thoughts and desires by reaching out to Source we do align with just that.
I am not speaking of mantras, rituals or any kind of "system" other than knowing who you are and having faith in that.....Source.....that is on the inside of us all. Some churches refer to it as the Holy Spirit....which I like just fine.....I actually trust Source/God/Energy more than I trust anything.....God on the inside of us....God is us......God is always with us....God, Source, Energy, Universe......are all just labels.
I believe with every thought, breath and desire we are creating our very own universe. With each thought and feeling we are letting good feelings and abundance flow through us or we are in resistance and therefore plug the flow of those good feelings and thoughts.
I have always believed in the power of words….just naturally had a very strong knowing that our words had power behind them. What I have learned is that the “faith” behind what we say and think is gaged by the “feelings” that are attached to them. If we are at rest we are in faith. If we are not resisting our lives we are in faith. When we truly appreciate exactly where we are (no matter the circumstance/s) we are in faith.
When we are in faith we are living, breathing and creating our very lives into existence. When we are not appreciative and are resisting we are living, breathing and creating our very lives into existence.
I have learned that when I enter into an improved emotional state and well-being that everything improves with it.
I have had such a hard time with the word “acceptance”. I feel like a traitor to “accept” what happened to my son. However; if I focus merely on not resisting what he chose for himself and look at it in spiritual-loving terms then I find that it is the path of least resistance and therefore the path to an improved emotional state and well-being.
This is all temporary……living our lives while we are transformed into the physical is a true gift from Spirit. Not merely existing but living in the moment to the next moment into the next with love and appreciation on every breath.
In honor of my son…….Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11
I love you son. Mom