I had every intention of writing on April 6th. I have been almost paralyzed since November 2013. I am just now coming out of my funk.
It seems I hit another plateau of grief.
This is the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life experience. I wish it wasn't my life experience. But it is.
It's been three years plus since Jeremy's transition. The darkest hours were tormenting. I felt for sure I had gone to hell. But....it is the darkest hours. Denial and shock buff you from the brutal reality of losing your child. It is a long road to travel...sometimes you don't travel. Sometimes you are stagnant, just stuck in hell. But somehow, someway you find the strength to go forward just a wee tiny bit more. That is if you keep your eyes on the light and not the darkness that is all consuming and totally overwhelming.
There are no words for this hell. There is no end to the torment and agony. But, then you get a glimpse of light and you realize that you can survive this. You realize that you need to survive this for whatever your personal stay button is. Mine was/is my daughter and grands. I could not leave and add more pain on top of their suffering. I could not be anything but strong and make Jeremy proud of his Marine Mom. Did I miss the mark? Yes, many times.....but I am still here. I am going forward.
I have made progress in some areas....I am more functional. I choose the light. The more light I surround my self with the stronger I am; the stronger my vibration is, the more I am linked to the Spirit. This is where my strength is. This is where the burden isn't as heavy. This is where I find the peace and the will to go forward. I am even wanting to make a new life for myself now. I have spoken of the new normal and have reached for it. I am at the threshold of a new beginning. I have hope and even some joy about the prospects of having a new normal.
I maintain that this is still not "acceptable", but I have integrated more of the reality into my now life experience. There doesn't seem to be a bone in my body that could or would accept this....I still want to protect Jeremy....I am his mom.....I come out fighting like a bear. Although it is a ridiculous notion, I feel sometimes that I should have protected him....I should have kept him from harms way. I am his mom, it was my duty, my job, my heart to keep him safe. No matter his choices, his age, but then ..... it is and was his journey. I understand......but I so want to protect him.
I do not have as many spiritual experiences as I did at the inception of my son's transition. I have more of an eternal connection to him. I on occasion have "real" dreams that include him. I receive the occasional gift that comes out of nowhere....just mailed to me by random companies. When I call and ask to return....they tell me to keep them. It's usually a holiday....sometimes I am led to an item that I have had on my heart......it costs nothing or next to....a gift, if you will. I share this to project my spiritual experiences with Jeremy. I share because of the light and hope and promise of seeing him again, in the spiritual realm.
There was a dream recently with Jeremy. He was in "uniform", he was "training", I was helping. We were preparing for a battle, not a war exactly, but a battle. It showed me how busy he is right now, he is enthralled in his task at hand. It is a spiritual battle and he is at the "helm" preparing the way.
I have fought a difficult and exhausting battle to survive these three years. I am still overcoming the darkness periodically, but it doesn't consume me now. I have breaks in my mind that give me a reprieve and realize I have gone minutes, hours sometimes, without crashing. Although the holidays through April were hard....I still survived. I am stronger than before. I have learned the technique of shutting down the darkness and keeping the light on. It consists of the good memories of Jeremy....sometimes I even laugh out loud....we had such a good time. Sometimes I do something that is a dumbass move and I can hear Jeremy heehawing in another dimension......... Some think I am "crazy" when I say these things. It is my new life experience....I love that I am still connected to him......there is nothing that can keep me from him, except the darkness.
Hang on tight if you are in the inception of your living hell. You learn to integrate the unthinkable into your life.....somehow, someway. For each of us it is different. I found my way and as I share today I pray that it helps to share just a little tiny sliver of a light .....from me to you.
God Bless you and yours......God Bless America and all her beloveds.
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United State Marine Corps, 03-09-85-04-06-11