How can you be heartbroken and happy at the same time? This is what I have asked myself for two years and half years. How can you mend a broken heart? How can you keep from crying when your heart hurts?
Then I remember. This is why we are called survivors. After the very darkest hours, if you survive, you make a choice to live on. There are many parents who commit suicide and there are others who compromise their health to the point of no return and then there are those of us who make the choice to go forward and keep grounded.
No one wants to talk about these thoughts and desperation. Many times it is too hard for others to hear. But, the truth is that a parent can barely stay behind when their beautiful child has transitioned before them. I have had, literally, three choices to join my son; I have felt my spirit return to my physical body. For me the choice to stay grounded was for my daughter. I could not in my broken heart contribute to more dark hours and heartache for her.
It has been a long, hard and bumpy road and I am beginning to join the human race a little more. I have read that it takes a dad about a year to be able to go forward and for a mom it takes between two to three years. I read this at the inception of my living hell on earth and I didn’t know if I could make it. However, my beloved son kept saying in my heart and whispers in my ear “you can do it Mom”. There is no way to explain the supernatural; there are no human words, but Jeremy gave me the strength to survive. God, the Spirit of the heavens and earth has revealed much to me through my son. I can say that Jeremy would have been the only one to assist me during the darkest hours to give me the will to move forward.
After the “darkest hours”; it was my daughter that kept and keeps me grounded. I have new found patience of when it is my time to go Home we will all know that it is my time and I pray that I make my son proud and my daughter a legacy of truth, honor and strength.
The only way that I have been able to find happiness with a broken heart is being thankful for all that remains. I would do this all again for I am honored to be Jeremy’s mom and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be his mom. I find gratitude in my daughter and her family and am thankful for such awesome grandchildren.
I am thankful for the sun, moon, skies, trees, birds and my four legged children. I am thankful for the beautiful earth and all that it provides us. I am thankful l was born in the United States of American and I am thankful for all the men and women who have kept us safe and for those who still do.
I can only say that through the stains of heartbreak that this is how I find peace, comfort and gratitude. I do have happy moments now. I believe in time there will be more happiness and one day pure joy.
Thank you son for choosing me to be your Mom. You have set the bar high for us all. I love you, miss you and thank you for always showing your presence when I am in time of need.
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11