Memoirs with Jeremy

9/11 is such a hard day for all of America; I honor each life that was lost, each life that was spared and each and every one who gave their lives in trying to save others.  May God be with all the families that mourn their loved ones; may you find peace.

I am ashamed to admit that I never knew or thought long of how hard it is to lose someone you love so much.  I have lost family members; it hurts but life seemed to move on after a while.  It was because of 9/11 that my greatest heartache was manifested.  My son and many of his friends joined the Marine Corps to help keep our country safe.

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps, 3-09-85 – 04-06-11, fought to keep darkness at bay.  I am very proud of Jeremy and all of our men and women who were moved by courage and bravery to help keep American free.

Jeremy is my only son; the baby of the family, yet he taught each of us about life, love and strength.  We stood in awe every time he spoke with words of wisdom permeated with enlightenment that takes most of us all of our adult lives to accomplish.  It seemed he was born to be a Marine and now I know for sure it is so.

I have had so many supernatural experiences with my son since his transition.  They are fewer and further apart now, but he never fails to let me know that he does live on in a dimension that we will one day be together and share.

It has been a rocky and horrendous road for the last two years and five months…..but I have survived the nightmare of my beautiful son being ripped from me.  I have learned ways to cope and for each of us that will be different.   But, I say to anyone who is a survivor – do it your way.  Whatever works for you to find a little rest and peace in the agonizing reality of our children transitioning before us.

My daughter and I always have heavy hearts when we know what a family is about to endure when one of our men and women are KIA.  It is truly the darkest hours.  You have to find a reason to live on and survive such hopelessness; and you will. 

I was first strong for my daughter and also wanted my son to be proud of his Marine Mom.  That gave me a tremendous amount of determination.  As time has gone on I realize that there are other reasons to go forward; our life is a gift from Heaven and I felt very unappreciative of all the blessings bestowed me to throw my life away or sleeping every moment without participating in some way to get back on my feet.  For me it was my daughter and her family…. and nature.  I found myself in Nature and could see the very energy that connects each of us one to the other.

I am having more “good” days now than I was even six months ago.  I am finding ways to be part of life again.  No matter how small or insignificant it might be to an outsider; it is a huge step for me.

It is complex being a mom who has a child that has transitioned; moving forward is tricky.  There is so much pain, guilt and loss yet there is still life to be lived to the fullest.  Our lives will never be the same again and there will always be the place where our children should be.  I know that they want us to live and be happy; it is about finding a new way, a new normal to go forward and participate in the gift of life.

I would go through all of this again to be able to be Jeremy’s mom even though it doesn’t seem long enough – it is worth every fragile moment to have been that blessed.

May we continue to find peace and understanding and spread the gift of love to all.

 

Proud Mom of

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps