Memoirs with Jeremy April 6, 2013
It has been two very hard years. It hasn’t gotten easier, in fact, in many ways it is harder. The longer I go without seeing my son, hugging him and doing all the things that mom’s do for their sons…..the harder and more intense it becomes.
I have to stay focused on that Jeremy’s transition was his destiny; choosing his own personal journey. I stay focused on that he lives on in another dimension. I don’t focus on….I should say I cannot focus on…..his physical departure….it is just too hard….it is too much; that is grief. Faith is that he is still with us and lives on in a glorious dimension I call Home. It’s a pendulum that swings back and forth but the connection to the life force of energy always prevails.
I am more functional now. I believe that time has helped, but not in acceptance as much as learning to integrate such trauma into my life. I chose to see this as an opportunity to implement and integrate everything I have learned from my son’s earthly journey and transition. I am still molding this life experience into life knowing this is now my journey and it is up to me to make the very best of what remains.
My awareness is more fined tuned because of Jeremy’s transition. It seems the pain of having to bear this cross keeps me aware of others. There are few filters if any because life is full of sadness and the futility of existence bears heavy on my mind and soul, yet the sheer pain polishes a new meaning in life; seeing more clearly and deeply; feeling more empathy and more sensitive to body language and how others respond to situations.
The most sensitive of those around us, the ones who feels things deeply are those who touch hearts and more importantly souls; I pray I touch lives with light even though I come from a dimension of sensitivity and vulnerability from Jeremy’s transition. It somehow makes you more humane and causes depths of growth spiritually. You either grow or stagnate so I press on to the light.
The enlightenment that comes from such a tragedy certainly puts things into perspective. My priorities have been drastically changed. Really, there is but one and it encompasses all dimensions and arenas; love and respect whatever journey the other is on; you may never know what has brought them to the place they now stand. We all are searching…..never quite feeling at home. No matter how good it gets; always wanting and needing more. We are never finished with our dream and we continue to create another day, another moment until we too return Home.
The peace I find knows that Jeremy has returned Home. He is at peace. He is happy and content, in fact, joyful. I have heard him say how beautiful Home is and that there aren’t earthly words to describe the love that abounds there. He has spoken of the beautiful colors and that he is learning and growing all the time. He has shown me how happy he is. The joy emanates from him; coming from the inside and glowing outwardly. It is pure beauty. I can’t be anything but happy for him and every day I remind myself that grief is about me not Jeremy.
I have finally reached a stepping stone in that I wish to live on now. I am looking forward to the new life. All I have done for two years is exist; I have hope for a life with meaning and filled with love; touching every creature I can with the energy of light.
I have a stronger conscious awareness than I have ever…..I pray that I wring out every morsel of knowledge, wisdom and enlightenment from this tragedy so that I may get a “job well done” when my journey is complete. I have made emotional blunders in the fog of grief, but I pray that I have made Jeremy proud as a Marine Mom.
I truly have much comfort in that Jeremy is Home. He has left a beautiful imprint on all those who encountered him, for a second or a life time, he has moved the bar high for us all. Jeremy has left a beautiful legacy and I know it will remain in us forever.
Dedicated to my beautiful son; sharing in hopes it brings others some comfort and light.
In Memory of:
Staff Sergeant Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Core
03-09-85 – 04-06-11