Holidays are brutal. They are also bitter-sweet. You are torn in half by what is changed and what remains. My heart is with my family but it wanders to my son and at any moment it could be all consuming; grief is brutal.
You put on a face and go through the motions not wanting to impart any kind of energy that is sad. Yes, very sad indeed. So you learn to pretend and plaster that smile. You sway and dance to music when all the while…..you want to give in. It is too hard and so brutal.
Sooner than you realize more than two years have gone by. Pretending has developed in a new state of heart and you can laugh and share good moments with your family and the smile becomes more genuine over time. Even though there will always be a crack, a hole in that broken heart you come to realize that your beloved is still a huge part of your life wanting to be remembered and forever connected.
Jeremy is still such an enormous part of me. It is as though the umbilical cord is between us; connecting one to the other with a glorious flexibility that gives us each freedom but tethered in a way that we can bounce in and out of our lives as we always did in the physical realm. I try to remember that Jeremy has just gone home and it’s a bit further than it has been before.
Although I would love to have that manifested physical hug, smile and that precious laugh of his that it so contagious…….I feel – literally feel his energy and presence every day and every moment of every day. He has promised to never leave me and always be by my side to help guide me through the most important part of my spiritual journey.
Some days I am so tired and exhausted with the life experience that this has brought me. The truth is…..I would do it all again just to get to be Jeremy’s mom. I LOVE being his mom. I LOVED watching him with his sister. I love the loyalty he has for his friends, his family and his country.
May we all find the sweetest and most precious moments that the holidays afford us with our loved ones.
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps