In the beginning I
bargained with God; please take me I will sacrifice my life for Jeremy’s,
please not him take me. I bargained, I
would plead my case and I begged for my son to return and in exchange I would
happily give my life so that my son could live.
I am not unlike any
other mom. I know we have all done this,
in fact, many times through the course of our tragedy and especially at the
inception of our children’s transition.
Now I reflect upon this
dismal hope of Jeremy returning with eyes of surreal reality and I realize that
his destiny was charted long ago. I see
clearly now that I too have sacrificed my life as I knew it in return for the
beautiful gift of being Jeremy’s mom for twenty-six years; I regard it as an
honor to be his mom.
I have, like you,
have sacrificed many precious years with my son. Now the cross we bear as parents is that for
the remainder of our journey we will continue to sacrifice our old way of life
with our children and find our way to a “new normal”.
I would do it
again. I would go through the
excruciating pain and turmoil, confusion and even the darkness to be able to
have those few years with my son.
To survive being left
behind I try not to focus on my cross that I carry now, I know longer frequent
Midnight and I do try to find anything that has a positive connotation to it;
no matter how small.
The most precious
thing I find, even though a paradox, is the blissful years of being Jeremy’s
mom and I thank him now often that he chose me to share his life experience
while on earth.
Jeremy’s friends and
family’s love for him has no measure, no boundaries and is limitless. He touched every person he came in contact
with and left those knowing that they had met a man true to his word and true
to himself. I don’t think I realized the
impact he made in this world until his departure. I was astounded to find friends all across
the nation that I had never had the chance to meet, the men of uniform, who
held my son in high esteem. I will and
forever will be grateful for the outpouring of their hearts. I truly know that no time soon will Ssgt.
Jeremy D. Smith USMC be forgotten.
It is amazing to me
still the strength and powerful energy my son has. He was such a powerful individual in his
physical body but his non-physical body is even more powerful and the loving
impact it has is beautiful, reassuring and comforting.
It is enlightening to
my soul and permeates my being when I encounter the supernatural. When I was young I was told that God could
see everything at all times and is everywhere in all things. I never understood this until I matured spiritually. God being omnipotent isn’t as mysterious to
me as it once was.
I see God in every
tree, every flower and every blade of grass.
I see God in all things as in the energy that every living thing is made
of and in every fabric of our Universe which places his Spirit everywhere at
all times making us all one with the Universe and Universal Love.
I have always
believed in life after death; not sure why, but I have as far back as I can
remember. I am so thankful I had this
belief system before my son’s physical departure into the “beyond”. I have mentioned before that Jeremy has
worked very hard to prove to me that he lives on and is happier than I could
ever imagine. His precise words to me
one day were “there are no earthly words to describe the happiness and love
that is here”.
I focus on these
ideas and beliefs because they do bring me closer to Jeremy and brings me the
strength to survive such a tragic mishap to my son. It brings me peace knowing that my son is but
a breath away.
For me to survive
this is to know that his life here was temporary and on the other side of the
veil his spirit lives on forever.
These are the
positive things I look for in life now.
My positive outlook before was more of a mental mantra of things of this
world. I now know how short lived the
material world is.
To me the most
important thing we can do is to extend love and compassion one to the other and
never judge. We do not know the
hardships our personal paths and journeys bring each of us and I believe from
the bottom of my heart that if we stay in a mode of “the spirit in me honors
the spirit in you” we would travel our paths without so many bumps and
pitfalls.
I know we each
survive in our own ways and in our own timing and I share as one survivor
helping another to survive. I pray that
my intentions of love and understanding reaches others to give a helping hand
out of the Midnight my son had the wisdom to write of before he left for his
“real home”.
Namaste; in love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
Proud Mom of Ssgt.
Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11
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