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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

In the beginning I bargained with God; please take me I will sacrifice my life for Jeremy’s, please not him take me.  I bargained, I would plead my case and I begged for my son to return and in exchange I would happily give my life so that my son could live.

I am not unlike any other mom.  I know we have all done this, in fact, many times through the course of our tragedy and especially at the inception of our children’s transition.

Now I reflect upon this dismal hope of Jeremy returning with eyes of surreal reality and I realize that his destiny was charted long ago.  I see clearly now that I too have sacrificed my life as I knew it in return for the beautiful gift of being Jeremy’s mom for twenty-six years; I regard it as an honor to be his mom.

I have, like you, have sacrificed many precious years with my son.  Now the cross we bear as parents is that for the remainder of our journey we will continue to sacrifice our old way of life with our children and find our way to a “new normal”.

I would do it again.  I would go through the excruciating pain and turmoil, confusion and even the darkness to be able to have those few years with my son.

To survive being left behind I try not to focus on my cross that I carry now, I know longer frequent Midnight and I do try to find anything that has a positive connotation to it; no matter how small.

The most precious thing I find, even though a paradox, is the blissful years of being Jeremy’s mom and I thank him now often that he chose me to share his life experience while on earth. 

Jeremy’s friends and family’s love for him has no measure, no boundaries and is limitless.  He touched every person he came in contact with and left those knowing that they had met a man true to his word and true to himself.  I don’t think I realized the impact he made in this world until his departure.  I was astounded to find friends all across the nation that I had never had the chance to meet, the men of uniform, who held my son in high esteem.  I will and forever will be grateful for the outpouring of their hearts.  I truly know that no time soon will Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC be forgotten.

It is amazing to me still the strength and powerful energy my son has.  He was such a powerful individual in his physical body but his non-physical body is even more powerful and the loving impact it has is beautiful, reassuring and comforting.

It is enlightening to my soul and permeates my being when I encounter the supernatural.  When I was young I was told that God could see everything at all times and is everywhere in all things.  I never understood this until I matured spiritually.  God being omnipotent isn’t as mysterious to me as it once was. 

I see God in every tree, every flower and every blade of grass.  I see God in all things as in the energy that every living thing is made of and in every fabric of our Universe which places his Spirit everywhere at all times making us all one with the Universe and Universal Love.

I have always believed in life after death; not sure why, but I have as far back as I can remember.  I am so thankful I had this belief system before my son’s physical departure into the “beyond”.  I have mentioned before that Jeremy has worked very hard to prove to me that he lives on and is happier than I could ever imagine.  His precise words to me one day were “there are no earthly words to describe the happiness and love that is here”.

I focus on these ideas and beliefs because they do bring me closer to Jeremy and brings me the strength to survive such a tragic mishap to my son.  It brings me peace knowing that my son is but a breath away.  

For me to survive this is to know that his life here was temporary and on the other side of the veil his spirit lives on forever.

These are the positive things I look for in life now.  My positive outlook before was more of a mental mantra of things of this world.  I now know how short lived the material world is. 

To me the most important thing we can do is to extend love and compassion one to the other and never judge.  We do not know the hardships our personal paths and journeys bring each of us and I believe from the bottom of my heart that if we stay in a mode of “the spirit in me honors the spirit in you” we would travel our paths without so many bumps and pitfalls.

I know we each survive in our own ways and in our own timing and I share as one survivor helping another to survive.  I pray that my intentions of love and understanding reaches others to give a helping hand out of the Midnight my son had the wisdom to write of before he left for his “real home”.

Namaste; in love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

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