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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I am shedding ideas of this world as though it is a skin that is peeling from my physical body.  I wither and rub against those worldly things to remove all the lifetime of pain and sorrow.  I brush and scrape against things that are hard and harsh to further remove this skin I have been encased in for so long.  I am thinking it is not just this lifetime but perhaps many lifetimes of things I have brought back with me into this world.  It has all resulted and culminated since the physical death of my son.

So much has surfaced and pinnacled in the last nineteen months that it is hard to identify everything that courses through my heart.  My priorities are not the same, I do not perceive the world as I once did and I have been given an opportunity through this horrendous tragedy to see the world through different lenses.

As the skin peels from my body after all the excruciating scouring pain leaving an inch at a time; it is replenished with a gloss and a shine of pure light that permeates every cell.  After a while, the skin starts the process again chafing and fraying at layers and wearing away of the old until the new comes forth in renewed strength and courage to continue to carry the mantle that has been given me to wear the duration of my journey.

I choose to honor this mantle for it is the legacy of my son and all he stood for while in this world.  As I choose this mantle I am given glimpses of afterlife that is surreal.  I am blessed with nuggets that help me to continue shedding the layers of worries and pain of long ago and the most painful of all; my son leaving this world and going into another before me.

I choose to see through the lenses of spiritual light, the white light that frees our souls and carries us through the torrential downpour of tears for a love that has been put to the test.  Not the love for my son for it is immutable but the kind of love he knew of for his brothers in arms.   I want to honor Jeremy’s legacy by the kind of love that he shared with his beloved country and men, the kind of love that Jesus speaks of in his teachings, the kind of love that says “the spirit in me honors the spirit in you”. 

I proudly wear the mantle that has been gifted me through my son and I pray that I do everything within my power to bring honor, love and peace to Jeremy’s legacy for the remainder of my journey.

To truly walk in the love and peace that surpasses all understanding I must know who I am, the real me; my authentic self.  To continually be a pathfinder and keep the Light shed on my path so that it yields love, understanding and recognition of each soul and spirit I encounter.  To not judge or even question another’s journey but extend powerful intentions of love, respect and honor.

The mantle of grief comes with reflective fabric woven with love, each thread representing a special memory that will endure lifetimes.  The mantle brings wisdom and understanding when worn in love.  The mantle can be cast away in fear and anger, however; when worn in faith it does yield the fruits of love and honor bringing strength and so importantly “the peace that surpasses all understanding”.

Jeremy, my love for you is infinite and immutable albeit challenging I wear the mantle of grief proudly.  I am honored to disclose the legacy of love and loyalty that you have left your friends and family.  May we always bring you honor as you have brought honor to us all.  May we touch those who are in need of love and understanding as you have even as a warrior to protect the men who fought by your side.  May we always be honest and loyal as you every minute of every day in all things.  May we love as fiercely as you do.  May we all learn to live life to the fullest as you have in this world.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx Proud Mom of Ssgt Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85-04-06-11

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