Memoirs with Jeremy

The worst thing we can do to ourselves is to deny our emotions and keep them suppressed.  We must, no matter how painful, look at our emotions straight on; no matter how unbearable they are.  It is imperative that we learn how to grieve yet stay out of the darkness that would call us.  This is the most useful tool I have learned over the last nineteen months; learning to grieve but staying out of Midnight.

We have to let the emotions rise from our core and spread throughout our being coming forth in tears to release the fear of what is truth; our children have transitioned.  However; going to darkness takes our grief to an entirely different level.  To go to Midnight is the unfathomable hell of finality.  To stay in Midnight could challenge our physical bodies to the point of illness and/or death.

There is no formula to grief.  It has a full range of emotions and illnesses and there is no set time or boundaries to grief.   You should never judge yourself regarding how much grief is enough grief.  There is not a right or wrong way to grieve.  Everyone is different and handles how they grieve and when they grieve differently.  Everyone is different in regards to how they handle themselves and uniquely process their circumstances.

We lose a part of ourselves when a child transitions before us.  We feel incomplete and my estimation is that we are not whole any longer; a huge part of us transitioned with our children.  It is essential for us to find a healthy process to our grief and find the new normal so that we can go forward and complete our own destinations. 

Our children had their own private and personal paths and I am thankful that Jeremy and I shared our destination; that he chose me to be his mom.  Keeping focused on the positive, anything that you can find positive, no matter how small will assist you to process your tragedy in a more healthy way.

I have found being thankful for any and everything I can find positive helps in a more positive grieving process.  I remember months ago finally being thankful for the trees and the songbirds and that was a huge step for me.  I can now be thankful for the things in my life that remain; my daughter and her family, the sun, the moon, the stars, the sky, oceans and mountains. 

If I let my soul be thankful for the beautiful things of the earth then it helps me to have more positive and loving energy than when I do not.  We can process positive and loving energy more efficiently and effectively than anything negative which deters us from processing on a healthy level.

Our lives were predicated upon our personal beliefs systems, goals and future with our children; now I feel totally incomplete and sometimes out of control, however, for me to find the balance and not dabble in insanity, I find to grow spiritual and to stay in the Light helps me to become stronger and I do find the “peace that surpasses all understanding” which helps me to find a place where grieving is more manageable.

The reason I can find a semblance of peace is that I know that Jeremy does live on in another dimension; in the spiritual world.  I know he is doing better than I could ever hope, dream or imagine for him.  Jeremy lives.  Jeremy is alive, well, happy and filled with love and joy.  I have seen him, I have witnessed his energy and he assures me that he never leaves me.  He has helped me through the grieving process more than I can convey.  He is and has been since the inception of this tragedy a breath away.

Admittedly, there are days that his absence in the worldly realm causes much heartache, but at the same time it is proof that he was once with me in the physical realm and that being his mom is a truth and reality that means more to me than I could possibly say.  I read once that “pain is the legacy and proof that our loved ones were once here…”  There isn’t anything more beautiful than love and our tears for them albeit sad for it does prove the infinite love we have for our children.  I know in my heart and soul that they look upon us wishing us peace and urging us forward to a new normal.

I will say that I would go through this again to have the blessing of being my son’s mom even though knowing that after a short period of time that sorrow at great depths awaits me.  It is worth every agonizing tear and the broken heart that I now have.  I would never change being Jeremy’s mom; it has been the most beautiful gift bestowed me in this lifetime.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps,

03-09-85 – 04-06-11 - in honor of you today son with much love