Today marks nineteen
months since the inception of my son’s transition. This is a month that is extremely
challenging. The month of voting,
Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving and family birthdays; all of these events at one
time in my life were days of honor and/or celebration. Today they mark heartbreak for me along with many
other military moms.
I had a patriotic
sign made for Jeremy in his honor for his sacrifice in Afghanistan. It brings me sorrowful pride to plant the
sign in the soil in front of my home; I have thoughts of love, respect and honor
for my son yet personally I feel I have been relegated to a sign post to point
to my son’s greatest achievement.
I want to bring honor
to Jeremy on Veteran’s Day, I want to smile and focus on our good memoires on
Thanksgiving Day and I want to share his love and joy for his family on their
birthdays, but more importantly I choose the honor and I choose the love hoping
I can be his conduit to continue sharing his loving energy.
I am not angry with
Jeremy’s choice of profession or his sacrifice; it makes me extremely proud of
him. I am not angry with Spirit for
Jeremy’s decisions on his journey’s path; he did have free will and free
choice. But, for the mom in me it is an
extremely heavy cross to bear every minute of every day and this month with all
its special events only points me to an overwhelming sadness.
Even though I know
Jeremy lives on and is in a place of unfathomable joy, peace and love the hard
truth is that it leaves a gaping hole in my heart and emptiness in my
soul. I work hard not to focus on his
physical death yet there are times, days and certain months that leave me no
choice but to look at the empty place at the table or the lack of imprint where
my son once slept.
He is my child and
will always be my “baby”; Jeremy is my only son and it is so very sad for me that
he is no longer in the physical realm laughing his contagious laugh and
flashing that notorious grin of his.
There is no way to convey to someone who hasn’t walked in these shoes
the agony of the empty arms and heart that once was filled with unconditional
love for a son.
Yet, I will go
forward. I will be thankful for things
that remain and have a heart full of gratitude for my daughter, grands and
family. I will reach for the light, I
will mentally and emotionally shut down to Midnight and in the mist of life I
will be choosing to grow spiritually.
I reach for the love
and peace that surpasses all understanding; the place also of light and love
and where my beautiful son is now.
I am so very proud of
you Jeremy, I love you unconditionally.
I always have and I always will.
You were and still are a beautiful gift to us all. I love you son, infinitely and immutably.
In your honor on Veteran’s
Day and also for all those who have sacrificed for America.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
Very proud mom of Ssgt.
Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11
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