I had a good day
yesterday; a very peaceful day especially considering it was the 6th. I did honor my son’s transition by doing
small things around the house and there was a serenity that was beautiful. I had soothing music playing up until the
night, burned a special candle and incense for my son, I prepared a salad which
is always his favorite, enjoyed the birds and trees and did my best to stay
centered. I kept my thoughts on the fun
things we shared and laughed out loud at some of our “funnies”. I will be bold and say; Jeremy enjoyed the very
soothing and peaceful day with me; I smiled and he smiled with me.
I admit there were
some tears that escaped, but those tears were pure love; unconditional love for
my son. Again, it is a paradoxical
journey.
I read from my “angel
book” this morning and received a message that has brought the last few weeks
and days into light. I, like you, am
trying to find the new normal and learn how to integrate such a tragedy into my
life to go forward. Not to endure only,
but to live with my new normal.
I am reminded to be
gentle with myself, to not be afraid to make mistakes and to remember the
mistakes are mere steps to carry me further along my path, to not judge the
size of the triumph or the type of victory it might be; each step, each movement
large or small is a step toward my life purpose. This message lifted a burden off my shoulders
because I have been hard on myself for being stuck again; for me this round was
guilt for outliving my son.
I sometimes have to
analyze what is going on with me and frankly I should stop much more often to
check in with myself, my head, heart and soul.
I will find myself full blown in anxiety and if I had been in the Now
the anxiety would have never reared its head, however, and more importantly I
would have caught the triggers beforehand.
This message to me
and for me today is that there is no wrong way to grieve, I have to do it my
way, if it takes longer than the other then so be it, if I get stuck I know I
will learn from it, each step is mine and belongs only to me, no one absolutely
no one can do this for me.
God love the hearts
that think they are helping you when they tell you to get on with your
life. What I know is this is my life
today; tomorrow is a new day and I am reaching for it – that is progress for
me, I am getting up in the mornings and have implemented my routine back into
my life – that too is progress.
I am not stuck in
Midnight and have learned not to go to Midnight and that is certainly
progress. I am taking small outings with
my four-legged babies and getting as close to nature as possible and being
thankful for it; that is progress.
I say all that to say
this is my way and what I do with my day is the best I can today and that can’t
be wrong. I cannot force myself to do
anything I am not ready for; yet tomorrow or five minutes from now I may very
well be ready to take the world by storm again.
How you are grieving
is your way; be gentle with yourself and take those baby steps when you need to
and when you are ready take on the larger steps you will know. Don’t be discouraged when you have a relapse;
it is important to cry and relieve some of the painful pressure that wails up
inside you. It’s okay to do whatever it
is you are doing to help you process what you are going through.
It is painful,
confusing and complex; there are times you feel lonely and frightened; the
guilt for a parent to survive their child is agony. These are all the things, and more, that we
endure.
It is up to us when
we are ready to process all these emotions and build that muscle of endurance.
Don’t look at someone
else and measure your progress by theirs.
The bottom line is that we all go through each of these phases just at
different times and different ways.
The imprint that this
has left on our hearts and souls will last a lifetime for us; it will also be
the fabric of who we become.
I know who I want to
be again, I know I want to fulfill my life’s purpose; I want to be an
inspiration to my daughter and grands, I
want to find the new normal not just for my children but for me. It is more important than ever that I take care
of myself and live my new normal now. I
want to complete my journey; I don’t want to just endure my path, I want to
live it with a full heart and soul.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
Proud Mom of Ssgt.
Jeremy D. Smith USMC
03-09-85 – 04-06-11
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