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Saturday, October 6, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

Remembering my son today; Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith
United States Marine Corps 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

I have been journaling since my son’s transition.  I felt that he asked me to share our journey beginning January 1st 2012.  I have shared my pain, ups and downs, learning how to stay out of Midnight and remain in the place where I only find peace with the Universal Mind and Love of God. 

Today is eighteen months since Jeremy’s transition and I once again want to share what is on my mind, in my heart and more importantly how my spiritual journey with Jeremy and the Spirit has brought salve to my life. 

In writing it helps me and ministers to me as well, but please know that my only purpose in sharing is to help others.  For me in the beginning I thought I was losing my mind and it helped to find a common thread with other grieving parents.  I pray this helps those of you who are in need or want to help a loved one that is grieving.

Surviving means living beyond the life of another person; to outlive, remain, prevail, endure, stay, continue and exist.  Survivors are those of us who have survived great misfortune; resilient and courageous enough to be able to overcome the hardship of our misfortune. We are survivors; those of us who are grieving for our transcended children.

The Seven Steps to Grief says that one of the phases in grief is the acceptance of the tragedy of my son’s death; it is unacceptable to me.  It seems unconceivable to ask a mother to accept the physical transition of her child.  Even though it may have been planned above and my son’s destiny charted in the Heavens before he was in my womb; it is unacceptable to me in the physical realm.  Although, I can accept his transition; his charted journey and at some level I do understand his personal journey.  This is how I perceive his transition not in the finality of his physical life but his afterlife; joyfully living on.

I have endured overwhelming grief that is more powerful than I am at times; yet I am still learning how to grieve, in fact, after going through the fire I seem to come out stronger for it.  In the beginning there was not a choice of whether I surrendered; grief over took me powerfully, but now a few months later I have learned to be more in control of the darkness that would blanket me. 

I have learned not go to Midnight; the all-encompassing darkness that would devour me and take advantage of how raw and hurt I am, the darkness that would destroy me and break my mind.  Yet not going to Midnight does give me some control and power over my mind hence my emotions.  Putting my soul in the driver’s seat has been a very powerful enlightenment for me.

My son has taught me to not go to Midnight; it takes strength and sheer resolve to not collapse under the dark veil that would consume me.  Midnight attacks what is left of your broken heart and then with great intensity targets your mind hoping you will snap during your meltdown allowing Midnight to claim you. 

But, as my son has said on many occasions, “it is what it is, there is no changing it; don’t go to Midnight mom”.  It has been the strongest tool I have to help me to be a survivor; it is now one of my strongest weapons to go against the darkness that would shroud me.  I am so thankful to Jeremy for being here for me, caring for me, guiding me and teaching me along the way.

Our beloved children having gone to the other side of the veil before us is not what any of us as parents would ever conceive as acceptable.  Along with the unacceptable tragedy is the all-consuming grief, feeling lost, alone, frightened, confused and then the guilt.  The guilt of wish I had, had not, said, not said, done and things left undone, yet the most devastating of all I remain and he has transitioned. The last few days I have had to revive myself and return to the land of the living because I was feeling guilty about outliving my son.

I am reminded that Jeremy wants me to have a good life, happy and laughing; not just this shattered and jagged piece of broken heart that is paralyzed from grief. 

It has been eighteen months and in some ways it has already felt like an eternity in another way it seems like yesterday.  This is a most confusing journey with so many emotions running rampant at times. 

I will say with enormous humility that I am having more days that are better than at the inception of the tragedy of Jeremy’s transition.  I know I have to embrace the pain at times but am learning to not embrace it to the point of death.  I know I have to understand that this has happened and that it is what it is; it is real, even though I still shake my head at times and cry NO; I cannot find the acceptance that my son transitioned before me.  I can only focus on that he is alive, truly consumed with joy and lives in the land of love.

When I focus on his transition into the spirit realm instead of his physical departure I handle his physical absence with more composure and peace.

I do understand in the spiritual realm regarding Jeremy’s transition; I do surrender myself to the love and the universal connection of the Loving Spirit, I will learn and am learning to live with my world that is filled with pain, I know that one day that joy will return to me, but I also know that sorrow and joy will always be companions in my world and my heart for I will always, every day and every second of every day, miss being with my son and also miss watching his wonderful world unfold before him in the physical realm. 

This is something that I cannot let go of, I cannot accept the finality of what we have been taught of physical death for I have seen Jeremy, I have heard his voice, he has guided and teaches me still and I want to encourage you that your child too lives on in the Spirit realm where reality truly exists for us all instead of the time and space we occupy now which is temporary. 

Although I am sorrowful and I do miss my son I remind myself that I should smile and be happy for my son because he has transcended into a world of peace and love. 

The journey and path we are on must be travelled; we must not just endure, we must truly live and make the very best and most of the measure of the journey we have left.

I would love to make my son smile; I can just see the contagious smile on his face when I am able to celebrate with him.  I know when I laugh it makes his heart soar with love and hope for me.  I have felt his joy, I have sensed his happiness and it is profound and caused me to smile all day.  I must grasp this vision and hang onto it and be happy and celebrate with my son for he has graduated early and with honor.

I must try to not let my missing him become so selfish that I cannot see spiritually that he is truly in the land of the living and remember that where I am is only temporary and when I meet him again it will be for eternity.

The only sense I can make of any of it is spiritually, it is through Source only that brings me peace and understanding.  I know if I stay connected and plugged in to the Universal Mind and Love of God I will have the peace that surpasses all understanding. 

My life hasn’t just shifted it has flipped, flopped and has been turned inside out, but I know that Jeremy watches over me and is with me; we are connected.  But, it is up to me to find my way and fulfill my purpose during the remainder of my travelled path. 

It is such a paradoxical ride... I am sad for me, but happy for Jeremy and they both revolve around his transition.  He isn't with me in the physical realm, however; he is with me in the Nonphysical realm and although it is painful I must find the joy in it for me and for my son.  There is much to be learned and spiritual growth is of the essence.

Again, I do have days that are better than I ever thought they would be, however; it is still a roller-coaster ride and with this day, the 6th, it brings a lot of pain with it; I want to turn the pain around and smile at my son and say…. “I support you; I love you and am so thankful that you are in such a joyous, blissful, peaceful, and loving place.  Jeremy, you so deserve the best and you have attained the very best”.

I love you Jeremy, I honor you and I will do my very best today and each day forward to remember that your new life is to be celebrated.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps

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