Remembering my son
today; Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith
United States Marine
Corps 03-09-85 – 04-06-11
I have been journaling
since my son’s transition. I felt that
he asked me to share our journey beginning January 1st 2012. I have shared my pain, ups and downs,
learning how to stay out of Midnight and remain in the place where I only find peace with
the Universal Mind and Love of God.
Today is eighteen
months since Jeremy’s transition and I once again want to share what is on my
mind, in my heart and more importantly how my spiritual journey with Jeremy and
the Spirit has brought salve to my life.
In writing it helps
me and ministers to me as well, but please know that my only purpose in sharing
is to help others. For me in the
beginning I thought I was losing my mind and it helped to find a common thread
with other grieving parents. I pray this
helps those of you who are in need or want to help a loved one that is
grieving.
Surviving means living
beyond the life of another person; to outlive, remain, prevail, endure, stay,
continue and exist. Survivors are those
of us who have survived great misfortune; resilient and courageous enough to be
able to overcome the hardship of our misfortune. We are survivors; those of us
who are grieving for our transcended children.
The Seven Steps to
Grief says that one of the phases in grief is the acceptance of the tragedy of
my son’s death; it is unacceptable to me.
It seems unconceivable to ask a mother to accept the physical transition
of her child. Even though it may have
been planned above and my son’s destiny charted in the Heavens before he was in
my womb; it is unacceptable to me in the physical realm. Although, I can accept his transition; his
charted journey and at some level I do understand his personal journey. This
is how I perceive his transition not in the finality of his physical life but
his afterlife; joyfully living on.
I have endured overwhelming
grief that is more powerful than I am at times; yet I am still learning how to
grieve, in fact, after going through the fire I seem to come out stronger for
it. In the beginning there was not a choice
of whether I surrendered; grief over took me powerfully, but now a few months
later I have learned to be more in control of the darkness that would blanket
me.
I have learned not go
to Midnight; the all-encompassing darkness that would devour me and take
advantage of how raw and hurt I am, the darkness that would destroy me and
break my mind. Yet not going to Midnight
does give me some control and power over my mind hence my emotions. Putting my soul in the driver’s seat has been
a very powerful enlightenment for me.
My son has taught me to
not go to Midnight; it takes strength and sheer resolve to not collapse under
the dark veil that would consume me.
Midnight attacks what is left of your broken heart and then with great
intensity targets your mind hoping you will snap during your meltdown allowing
Midnight to claim you.
But, as my son has
said on many occasions, “it is what it is, there is no changing it; don’t go to
Midnight mom”. It has been the strongest
tool I have to help me to be a survivor; it is now one of my strongest weapons
to go against the darkness that would shroud me. I am so thankful to Jeremy for being here for
me, caring for me, guiding me and teaching me along the way.
Our beloved children
having gone to the other side of the veil before us is not what any of us as
parents would ever conceive as acceptable.
Along with the unacceptable tragedy is the all-consuming grief, feeling
lost, alone, frightened, confused and then the guilt. The guilt of wish I had, had not, said, not
said, done and things left undone, yet the most devastating of all I remain and
he has transitioned. The last few days I have had to revive myself and return
to the land of the living because I was feeling guilty about outliving my son.
I am reminded that
Jeremy wants me to have a good life, happy and laughing; not just this shattered
and jagged piece of broken heart that is paralyzed from grief.
It has been eighteen
months and in some ways it has already felt like an eternity in another way it
seems like yesterday. This is a most
confusing journey with so many emotions running rampant at times.
I will say with
enormous humility that I am having more days that are better than at the
inception of the tragedy of Jeremy’s transition. I know I have to embrace the pain at times
but am learning to not embrace it to the point of death. I know I have to understand that this has happened
and that it is what it is; it is real, even though I still shake my head at
times and cry NO; I cannot find the acceptance that my son transitioned before
me. I can only focus on that he is
alive, truly consumed with joy and lives in the land of love.
When I focus on his
transition into the spirit realm instead of his physical departure I handle his
physical absence with more composure and peace.
I do understand in
the spiritual realm regarding Jeremy’s transition; I do surrender myself to the
love and the universal connection of the Loving Spirit, I will learn and am
learning to live with my world that is filled with pain, I know that one day
that joy will return to me, but I also know that sorrow and joy will always be
companions in my world and my heart for I will always, every day and every
second of every day, miss being with my son and also miss watching his wonderful
world unfold before him in the physical realm.
This is something
that I cannot let go of, I cannot accept the finality of what we have been
taught of physical death for I have seen Jeremy, I have heard his voice, he has
guided and teaches me still and I want to encourage you that your child too
lives on in the Spirit realm where reality truly exists for us all instead of
the time and space we occupy now which is temporary.
Although I
am sorrowful and I do miss my son I remind myself that I should smile and be
happy for my son because he has transcended into a world of peace and love.
The journey and path
we are on must be travelled; we must not just endure, we must truly live and
make the very best and most of the measure of the journey we have left.
I would love to make
my son smile; I can just see the contagious smile on his face when I am able to
celebrate with him. I know when I laugh
it makes his heart soar with love and hope for me. I have felt his joy, I have sensed his
happiness and it is profound and caused me to smile all day. I must grasp this vision and hang onto it and
be happy and celebrate with my son for he has graduated early and with honor.
I must try to not let
my missing him become so selfish that I cannot see spiritually that he is truly
in the land of the living and remember that where I am is only temporary and
when I meet him again it will be for eternity.
The only sense I can
make of any of it is spiritually, it is through Source only that brings me
peace and understanding. I know if I
stay connected and plugged in to the Universal Mind and Love of God I will have
the peace that surpasses all understanding.
My life hasn’t just
shifted it has flipped, flopped and has been turned inside out, but I know that
Jeremy watches over me and is with me; we are connected. But, it is up to me to find my way and
fulfill my purpose during the remainder of my travelled path.
It is such a paradoxical ride... I am sad for me, but happy for Jeremy and they both revolve around his transition. He isn't with me in the physical realm, however; he is with me in the Nonphysical realm and although it is painful I must find the joy in it for me and for my son. There is much to be learned and spiritual growth is of the essence.
It is such a paradoxical ride... I am sad for me, but happy for Jeremy and they both revolve around his transition. He isn't with me in the physical realm, however; he is with me in the Nonphysical realm and although it is painful I must find the joy in it for me and for my son. There is much to be learned and spiritual growth is of the essence.
Again, I do have days
that are better than I ever thought they would be, however; it is still a
roller-coaster ride and with this day, the 6th, it brings a lot of
pain with it; I want to turn the pain around and smile at my son and say…. “I
support you; I love you and am so thankful that you are in such a joyous,
blissful, peaceful, and loving place.
Jeremy, you so deserve the best and you have attained the very best”.
I love you Jeremy, I
honor you and I will do my very best today and each day forward to remember
that your new life is to be celebrated.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
Proud Mom of Ssgt.
Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps
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