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Friday, October 26, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have asked myself many times “how do I do this; I don’t know how to do this”.  I have never been as alien to anything as I have to the transition of my son on 04-06-11.  I have had my share of trials and tribulations in this lifetime but this is the big daddy of them all.  In comparison; I just thought my heart had been broken before, I knew nothing then as I do now.

I do maintain eighteen months later that it is not just about survival or endurance, but how we survive and how we endure.  This has impacted me so hard that I do not perceive my life or world as I did before; my priorities have all been severely rearranged.

I know in my heart of hearts that the old life has passed away; I have to find a new normal to live again releasing the power of my spirit to process my life after the physical death of my son.   I cannot accept what has happened to Jeremy, it is unacceptable, but I am learning via Spirit to process the grief and all it entails.

I am asking Spirit to help me with my perception of my son’s transition and I call on Angels every day to help with the process and with my perception of life after physical death.  I am seeking any positive feeling I can find to help with my understanding of Jeremy being in the spiritual realm now and what I have come to realize is that it is more about how I experience mentally and emotionally the devastating tragedy of my son’s transition.  It is for me how I experience the experience and in this experience of tragedy what do I want to experience for me now?

My perception of my son’s transition is that he lives on and is more alive than I am in this world.  I focus on his new life experience and not his physical death.  Jeremy has come to me many times proving to me he is alive.  I just spoke to a Mom today who after seventeen months has conversations with her son.  I was so happy to find someone who came forth and spoke of their spiritual experience with their son as well.

The point is………our children live on.  Try to not go to Midnight and try to not stay there.  Just say no to darkness and reach for the light that your child resides in now and know that they do live; they are alive and are just through the veil, across the river, on the other side of the banks; they have returned Home.

I can say with certainty that our children want us to find a new normal and be happy again.  They want us to not just exist and go through life but live life to the fullest.  They want us to find the comfort and joy in that this life on earth is just temporary and short lived that we will be with them in our own timing.

They want us to awaken to what is real and know that our journey here is really a training ground to accelerate spiritually. 

I was touched by my son’s essence one morning as soon as I opened my eyes; his presence was so profound, full of energy, love and light that it touched every cell in my body.  I literally walked around all day smiling.  I kept thinking that if Jeremy is this happy then who am I to be sad that he transitioned for he is in a much better place than I could ever dream for him.

I love my son with every fiber of my being and I am certainly missing him….. And I want to be happy for Jeremy even though I am sad for me.  I also know the importance for my soul to follow through with my journey and complete my destination.  To experience this trauma, my life experience now, to learn how to process and transform my perception from dark to light.

I focus on my son’s transition; not his physical death.  I focus on how happy and well he is; not what happened to him.  I focus on how happy he is and full of joy and love he is; not on grief and mourning.

However; I also know that it is important to grieve, some days harder than others but it is learning how to grieve and the processing of grief that is important to my mind, body and spirit. 

In the beginning I would grieve to the point of death.  I began somewhere in the throes of agony to begin to realize that my son was witnessing and watching what his leaving had done to me.  It jerked me out of my mournful self to being able to see the light through the cracks.  I did not want to hurt my son, punish him or cause him concern…. I at steadily began crawling out of Midnight.

As Jeremy said to me one day “You can’t change it Mom…. Don’t go to Midnight… It is what it is”.  I think at that time there was a part of me that would wish him back; I prayed for his return, I bargained my life for his.  But, the simple truth is that I couldn’t change it and it was time to learn how to not go to Midnight.

Today I am adamant in learning to process my grief, admittedly, some days are two steps forward and one step back, but I am finding a bit of relief and am having intermittently better days than eighteen months ago.

It will always be a challenge for me; I have had no choice but to grow up spiritually.

I love you son…..”I see you”.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

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