I have asked myself
many times “how do I do this; I don’t know how to do this”. I have never been as alien to anything as I
have to the transition of my son on 04-06-11.
I have had my share of trials and tribulations in this lifetime but this
is the big daddy of them all. In
comparison; I just thought my heart had been broken before, I knew nothing then
as I do now.
I do maintain
eighteen months later that it is not just about survival or endurance, but how
we survive and how we endure. This has
impacted me so hard that I do not perceive my life or world as I did before; my
priorities have all been severely rearranged.
I know in my heart of
hearts that the old life has passed away; I have to find a new normal to live
again releasing the power of my spirit to process my life after the physical
death of my son. I cannot accept what has happened to Jeremy,
it is unacceptable, but I am learning via Spirit to process the grief and all
it entails.
I am asking Spirit to
help me with my perception of my son’s transition and I call on Angels every day
to help with the process and with my perception of life after physical death. I am seeking any positive feeling I can find
to help with my understanding of Jeremy being in the spiritual realm now and
what I have come to realize is that it is more about how I experience mentally
and emotionally the devastating tragedy of my son’s transition. It is for me how I experience the experience
and in this experience of tragedy what do I want to experience for me now?
My perception of my
son’s transition is that he lives on and is more alive than I am in this world.
I focus on his new life experience and not
his physical death. Jeremy has come to
me many times proving to me he is alive.
I just spoke to a Mom today who after seventeen months has conversations
with her son. I was so happy to find
someone who came forth and spoke of their spiritual experience with their son
as well.
The point is………our
children live on. Try to not go to Midnight
and try to not stay there. Just say no
to darkness and reach for the light that your child resides in now and know
that they do live; they are alive and are just through the veil, across the
river, on the other side of the banks; they have returned Home.
I can say with
certainty that our children want us to find a new normal and be happy
again. They want us to not just exist
and go through life but live life to the fullest. They want us to find the comfort and joy in
that this life on earth is just temporary and short lived that we will be with
them in our own timing.
They want us to
awaken to what is real and know that our journey here is really a training
ground to accelerate spiritually.
I was touched by my
son’s essence one morning as soon as I opened my eyes; his presence was so
profound, full of energy, love and light that it touched every cell in my
body. I literally walked around all day
smiling. I kept thinking that if Jeremy
is this happy then who am I to be sad that he transitioned for he is in a much
better place than I could ever dream for him.
I love my son with
every fiber of my being and I am certainly missing him….. And I want to be happy
for Jeremy even though I am sad for me. I
also know the importance for my soul to follow through with my journey and
complete my destination. To experience
this trauma, my life experience now, to learn how to process and transform my
perception from dark to light.
I focus on my son’s
transition; not his physical death. I
focus on how happy and well he is; not what happened to him. I focus on how happy he is and full of joy
and love he is; not on grief and mourning.
However; I also know
that it is important to grieve, some days harder than others but it is learning
how to grieve and the processing of grief that is important to my mind, body
and spirit.
In the beginning I
would grieve to the point of death. I
began somewhere in the throes of agony to begin to realize that my son was
witnessing and watching what his leaving had done to me. It jerked me out of my mournful self to being
able to see the light through the cracks.
I did not want to hurt my son, punish him or cause him concern…. I at steadily
began crawling out of Midnight.
As Jeremy said to me
one day “You can’t change it Mom…. Don’t go to Midnight… It is what it is”. I think at that time there was a part of me
that would wish him back; I prayed for his return, I bargained my life for his. But, the simple truth is that I couldn’t
change it and it was time to learn how to not go to Midnight.
Today I am adamant in
learning to process my grief, admittedly, some days are two steps forward and
one step back, but I am finding a bit of relief and am having intermittently better
days than eighteen months ago.
It will always be a
challenge for me; I have had no choice but to grow up spiritually.
I love you son…..”I
see you”.
In love and understanding,
Sandra xx
Proud Mom of Ssgt.
Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11
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