Memoirs with Jeremy

I sometimes wonder if I have actually made progress.  Just last night I had a total hissy fit.  But as I awoke this morning I fill as though the chakras have been cleansed and I am in alignment today.  There is much work to be done on my path and my journey.  I am determined to see it to the end.  I forgive myself for my shortcomings for I am still finding the balance of celebrating my son's new dimension and the absence of his presence in this one.  I sure hated he had to watch such drama; it was a tantrum.  However, I know I must grieve and release the sorrow.  I remembered a poem I had written after Jeremy's birthday in March.  I will have to say my hardest of all days was his birthday; I ached for him to be my child again.  I pulled up the poem and realized that within the last six months I have gone forward and it gave me strength to know I have made some progress; even if one step forward and back again; I have gone forward some how.  I share this poem/thoughts with you now.

 

MOTHERS CRYING THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

When my tears finally subside for just awhile; I lie quietly contemplating the agony my life is in.   If I listen closely I can hear all the other mothers all over the world crying for their children who are now men.  It is our cries for our sons the brave and the called to serve our country and save others even to their end.

After the sobbing leaves your body wracked with pain and grief, after you cry until exhausted still knowing there will never be any kind of relief.  You cry yet again your eyes are as dry as sand knowing you will always miss your child that became that brave man.

Yes I can hear the sobs the cries the agony and feel even the tears.  I can fill the anxiety and the place in the heart filled with fear.  Not ever, forever will my son or yours return home for Sunday lunch, not a holiday one will ever be the same it will just be crushed.  No matter how long or how hard our bodies are grieved with enormous pain…. Our boys will not be coming home again.

With that said and so many thoughts good and bad going through my head.  My heart is so proud and I am so honored to have birthed, raised and had the blessing of knowing such a man.  My son, your son all over the world… what is it about really…. Its energy, its power, but in the end; when it is said and done it is all about love.  Crazy as it sounds and insane as it may be everything our sons have gone through and died for are for you and for me.

 

God Bless our entire military and the United States of America and our World.

Sandra K. Harris-Smith

Proud mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC

Written March 2012