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Monday, September 17, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

The family was caught off guard and blindsided by a picture of my son this week.  It was one of those that were taken of him unawares and he was relaxed and strolling along as if he would be returning home in a few hours.  We have viewed so many military pictures and have been able to put some distance between us and his profession, however; seeing him in a natural setting being himself was a true trigger and so surreal.

I have to remind myself of one of the last pictures taken of Jeremy when he was in Afghanistan; he was truly happy to be there.  Jeremy was doing what he needed to fulfill himself, his goals, and his professional measurement and was with “his guys”; the men he trained.  He was really happy and he glowed from the inside out.  I try to keep that smile burned into my memory banks at all times.

If I could be given the opportunity to ask my son to stay and not to return to another deployment, if I had a chance to say to him – please stay with your family; knowing what I know and knew on a spiritual plane, I could never ask my son to shirk his calling, his responsibilities and his God given skills as a warrior to stay home with me and the family.  I could not and to this day, I would not.  There is no doubt, though the outcome was a tragedy; he was on his charted path.

We are called as parents to accept the unacceptable, to resist denial of the truth and reality of our children being torn from us.  Going back to the seven steps of grief; shock, denial, fear, depression, anger, guilt and acceptance; I have gone up and down the ladder of these seven steps over the last seventeen months over and over again.  I suspect that I will do for the remainder of my journey. 

I can handle all of the aforementioned “steps” except for one and that is acceptance.  It is still too mind shattering for me, the reality is too cruel and painful to accept.

I, however; can accept that my son has transitioned.  I cannot even say the word “d e a d” ….. I can only say with peace that he has transcended into another dimension.  I can handle that.  I can accept the fact that he does live on.  I can celebrate his new life experience in the spirit realm, although there are days that it is still very hard because I do miss him so much.  I can’t imagine as time goes on that missing him will become easier. 

But, knowing that time is of no consequence in the spirit realm; there is no time-space reality as we have on earth and I am a short journey away to being reunited with him.

With that said, I try to focus as much as possible of what remains of my journey.  I cannot totally give into the grief or surrender to the pain that surges my veins – not yet.  I feel if I let go too much and too soon of the control of resisting and surrendering that my mind would crack like humpty dumpty.  The despair and agony run too deep, the fear is too dark and I can only surrender one little sliver at a time.  So my focus is that he is a layer away, right through the veil of the skin that my soul uses as a vehicle on this earth. 

I know that this is my cross to bear and I have grown spiritually from it, however; even though I accept that my son has transcended, it doesn’t make my cross any less heavy or painful.  It is a paradox really; bearing the painful cross spiritually brings me to the peace that truly does surpass all understanding.

For me to survive my son’s transition I must slowly go into acceptance because it would truly blow my mind; I might never return.  I am not speaking of being in denial but finding the balance of feeling the pain and suffering spirit, soul and body; connecting to our Source and calling on the Higher Power to extinguish the fire when it starts to become all consuming, pulling me out of the flames just before I implode or explode.  Therefore, connecting with our Source, being present and in the now; bearing the cross from one moment to the next, being careful with the fragility of the physical death of my beloved son yet drawing strength from the Source to endure the pain and agony that bears down on me is truly walking the tight rope.

I can only share what helps me.  What works for me or helps me may not be the same set of tools that would help you.  But I do share in hopes that it helps parents to seek their skill set to help them through this hardship.

I can only say keeping focused on Jeremy being in the Spirit realm alive and well; happy even, praying, meditating, focusing on the Universal love of Spirit, calling on the Archangels to assist and guide me, leaning on my Guardian Angel, learning, searching, asking and becoming enlightened and in alignment are the things that has taught me survival.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

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