I have mentioned
before that I have been intensely researching grief; the loss of a child. There are guidelines such as the seven steps
of grief that help you to understand where you are in life with shock, denial and
anger, etc. I have found that I revisit
each rung of the ladder going back and forth as if on an emotional
rollercoaster ride.
I understand that we
all grieve differently and it has helped me to learn that this can be an
extreme difference one to the other. I
have had to have a lot of time to myself, while others have gone head first
into working, travelling, etc.
I have learned that
in most cases people do not know how to help you and it becomes the elephant in
the room. They do not know what to say
and are afraid to bring anything up should it cause you pain.
I was reminded of a
book I read some time ago and after almost sixteen months of surviving my son’s
physical death I have come to the fact that we are called survivors for a very
good reason. It is amazing that we can
survive the loss of our child and in some cases children. I honestly do not know how the body manages
such excruciating pain physically, mentally and emotionally.
We are not in
recovery. We do not have an illness that
we can recover from; this isn’t a physical healing. Although, I do wish doctors could mend a
broken heart.
We will not get over
our grief. Our children have
transitioned before us and that is not something that a parent gets over or
through. The loss of our children will
never go away. Although, I have prayed
for my son to return; begged for it not to be true and bargained my life for
his.
I am not a seasoned
veteran as a bereaved parent, however; it
still feels like yesterday and admittedly I go back to denial still.
I cannot accept that
my son has been taken from me and my family or more pointedly; I cannot accept
the fact that he is d e a d…… I can’t even bring myself to say the word. Part of my survival “technique” is that I don’t
think of Jeremy in past tense because to me he is still very much alive in the
spirit realm. I have spoken of this
often and have shared many treasured and personal experiences with him in the
spirit realm. His presence is powerful.
However; today the
hard core truth and fact is that he is not with me on planet earth and he is no
longer in the beautiful physical frame that God granted to him. He is not with me physically and he will not
return. Even though I know he is alive
and well just on the other side of the veil; I miss him until it hurts. I long for his bear hug, his beautiful smile
and contagious laugh. I miss him and I
long for him; my beautiful son, my baby.
The cold hard fact is
that that will never change. The truth
is that we do not overcome, we do not get over them and we do not “get through”
this; we are never done with it.
The truth is that we
learn a new way to live. It is a
challenge to learn how to live again and go forward; it is also a process. We learn to adapt to living our lives without
them. We learn a new way to handle our
grief and place it somewhere special tucked in a safe place when we are around
others. We learn to grieve as time goes
on so that we too do not physically die and mentally blow up.
Our lives are forever
changed and the imprint on us of their loss will never go away. Our values change, our priorities are
different and we do not view the world as we did before. Sometimes our belief systems changes or
shifts, our views have been altered. Our
hopes and dreams with our child have been shattered. We are changed forever and you don’t get over
it, overcome it, recover from it or get through with it. It is a learning process to adapt to the
trauma that nearly takes us with them.
Some days I digress
other days I go forward a tiny step or maybe even two. But at the “level” I am today I am still
learning to process the trauma of losing Jeremy. I feel that adaptation will be on my path
until the end of my own personal journey.
The only way I have
survived the unthinkable and unimaginable is spiritually. I cannot fathom that there is not a life
after physical death. What would be the
point? Life is chock full of lessons to
be learned even before my son’s transition and I know that at my age that there
is still so very much I do not know in many arenas.
But, I do know I feel
my son’s presence, I have heard his voice, he has helped me and tucked me in at
night when I couldn’t even make it to bed the grief so heavy on me. I have seen his light energy.
My survival skill is
going to the Higher Power, Higher Spirit, to God for strength, support, love,
answers and peace. It is truly the only
peace I can find, it is the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I know I have been
blessed with the visuals and audios of my son and not all parents get to “witness”
that, however; the reason I share is to say to you that they are not d e a d …..
They are alive and happy, powerful and beautiful, serene and loving; they are
watching over us.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
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