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Saturday, July 21, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have mentioned before that I have been intensely researching grief; the loss of a child.  There are guidelines such as the seven steps of grief that help you to understand where you are in life with shock, denial and anger, etc.  I have found that I revisit each rung of the ladder going back and forth as if on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I understand that we all grieve differently and it has helped me to learn that this can be an extreme difference one to the other.  I have had to have a lot of time to myself, while others have gone head first into working, travelling, etc.

I have learned that in most cases people do not know how to help you and it becomes the elephant in the room.  They do not know what to say and are afraid to bring anything up should it cause you pain. 

I was reminded of a book I read some time ago and after almost sixteen months of surviving my son’s physical death I have come to the fact that we are called survivors for a very good reason.  It is amazing that we can survive the loss of our child and in some cases children.  I honestly do not know how the body manages such excruciating pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

We are not in recovery.  We do not have an illness that we can recover from; this isn’t a physical healing.  Although, I do wish doctors could mend a broken heart. 

We will not get over our grief.  Our children have transitioned before us and that is not something that a parent gets over or through.    The loss of our children will never go away.  Although, I have prayed for my son to return; begged for it not to be true and bargained my life for his.

I am not a seasoned veteran as a bereaved parent, however;  it still feels like yesterday and admittedly I go back to denial still.

I cannot accept that my son has been taken from me and my family or more pointedly; I cannot accept the fact that he is d e a d…… I can’t even bring myself to say the word.  Part of my survival “technique” is that I don’t think of Jeremy in past tense because to me he is still very much alive in the spirit realm.  I have spoken of this often and have shared many treasured and personal experiences with him in the spirit realm.  His presence is powerful.

However; today the hard core truth and fact is that he is not with me on planet earth and he is no longer in the beautiful physical frame that God granted to him.  He is not with me physically and he will not return.  Even though I know he is alive and well just on the other side of the veil; I miss him until it hurts.  I long for his bear hug, his beautiful smile and contagious laugh.  I miss him and I long for him; my beautiful son, my baby.

The cold hard fact is that that will never change.  The truth is that we do not overcome, we do not get over them and we do not “get through” this; we are never done with it.

The truth is that we learn a new way to live.  It is a challenge to learn how to live again and go forward; it is also a process.  We learn to adapt to living our lives without them.  We learn a new way to handle our grief and place it somewhere special tucked in a safe place when we are around others.  We learn to grieve as time goes on so that we too do not physically die and mentally blow up.

Our lives are forever changed and the imprint on us of their loss will never go away.  Our values change, our priorities are different and we do not view the world as we did before.  Sometimes our belief systems changes or shifts, our views have been altered.  Our hopes and dreams with our child have been shattered.  We are changed forever and you don’t get over it, overcome it, recover from it or get through with it.  It is a learning process to adapt to the trauma that nearly takes us with them.

Some days I digress other days I go forward a tiny step or maybe even two.  But at the “level” I am today I am still learning to process the trauma of losing Jeremy.  I feel that adaptation will be on my path until the end of my own personal journey.

The only way I have survived the unthinkable and unimaginable is spiritually.  I cannot fathom that there is not a life after physical death.  What would be the point?  Life is chock full of lessons to be learned even before my son’s transition and I know that at my age that there is still so very much I do not know in many arenas.

But, I do know I feel my son’s presence, I have heard his voice, he has helped me and tucked me in at night when I couldn’t even make it to bed the grief so heavy on me.  I have seen his light energy.

My survival skill is going to the Higher Power, Higher Spirit, to God for strength, support, love, answers and peace.  It is truly the only peace I can find, it is the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know I have been blessed with the visuals and audios of my son and not all parents get to “witness” that, however; the reason I share is to say to you that they are not d e a d ….. They are alive and happy, powerful and beautiful, serene and loving; they are watching over us.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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