As I open my eyes to face
another day without my son I am determined to make today full of gratitude and
thankfulness. I start by my sweet and
adoring four-legged kids who display love for me at all times, for the sun
rising, the birds chirping and Spirit watching over me as I sleep and awaken to
a new day.
Sixteen months ago I
could not find the smallest thing to be thankful for; I dreaded opening my eyes
and my stomach was hurling before my eyes even opened. The dreaded reality of another day, another
moment since the harsh news that was delivered on April 6, 2011 storms at my
mind and heart. Unfortunately as parents,
we know that a huge part of us leaves with our children. I have learned certain words that help me to
speak of this day and I refer to it as Jeremy’s transition; I believe and know
within my own heart he has transitioned to another dimension.
I have found that I
can have closure on things that I should have done and didn’t, things I said
that I shouldn’t, being preoccupied instead of listening and all the things
that were on our “to do list”, Christmas and birthday gifts that can’t be
exchanged and all the physical hugs that are now gone with that precious smile
of his.
In the beginning my
focus was getting through each day for my son, to make him proud and my
daughter to hopefully see strength and grace within me. For them both to feel the intensity of my
love for them; the unconditional love that is infinite.
Now I have learned
that processing this should not be just for my children, but for me as
well. I have my own personal journey to
complete, I have my personal spiritual growth and I am learning to be thankful
for each day that God has given me for I believe not to be is an insult to our
Creator. I am learning that to not love
myself now and take care of me is not being in thanksgiving and gratitude and
therefore saying to God the gifts you give me every day mean nothing to me.
In the processing of
Jeremy’s transition for the last sixteen months I have found that to do this
right and not just get through each day, but truly bring honor to our Creator,
the Divine is for me to extend love every chance I get, to forgive myself and
others, to honor the soul within me and to honor the soul in each and every
person I have the blessing to come across.
To be kind, courteous, loving and thankful for all of God’s smallest
creations to the largest, to love the song of the birds each morning and the
dew on the grass is fulfilling a part of my journey and to respect everyone’s
journey.
It was an eye opener
for me to understand and realize that even my doggie babies have emotional needs
and not neglect them in the process of neglecting myself. I have put them first in caring for them and
loving them, but they need me to talk to them, tease them and be playful, they
are so happy when I have a laugh with them and are so sad when I am struggling
getting through the day.
When I realized that
Ella and Gabriel needed me to be happy and laugh I also realized that I needed
that as well and that it was hoped of me by our Creator that I would be
thankful for my own life and treat myself as a gift from God.
This has been a most
difficult journey and in sixteen months the transformation and progress I have
made may seem small to many but to me it is a huge hurdle. Especially considering that I couldn’t get
out of bed for being so exhausted and my body frail from grief. My mind so tormented that being around anyone
that was productive made me even more depressed and to be around those who were
truly happy made me want to cry. Why
Jeremy? Why not me instead?
The hardship this
puts on a family is beyond comprehension and yet our spirits are strong and are
will is of steel; taking each moment at a time, then each day as it rolls
around and then month by month. Our real
time reality is not the same as our Creator’s.
What seems an eternity to us is just scratching the surface where God
and our children reside on the other side of the veil, that beautiful dimension
where they are strong, happy, and full of love, light and energy and helping us
process our challenge of life without them.
It is what our
journey is made of now and I want to do this for my children so that I can be a
strong and loving example for my daughter and make my son proud of me that I
have survived this, however; for God, the Spirit our Creator I want a true “job
well done” for I know that to just survive this isn’t enough it is about me
finishing my journey and loving myself in the process of each step I take and
every path that is placed in front of me.
I have a purpose that
needs to be fulfilled and gifts that need to be shared; my life and destiny
needs to be completed. I believe that no
one transitions before their time and that our Father God calls them home no
matter the age they are or the vehicle by which they transitioned. I truly believe this with all my heart and
with that said I find that being thankful for the twenty-six years with Jeremy
and keeping my eyes on the fact that he does live on just in another dimension
that it helps me feel connected with him and even more so with Spirit for I do
believe that we are all one with the Universe, Universal Mind, Mother Nature
and Father Spirit.
There is hope for a
better life than the moment we are in for now because I believe in love and within
that love is a salve for our hearts and a peace that does surpass all
understanding. I know that Jeremy much
prefers that I enjoy the duration of my journey and he has taught me not to
just stay out of “midnight” but to not let myself go to “midnight”. The darkness that waits for us in midnight
will destroy us but if we reach for the light and remain there we will find
everything we need to be thankful for what remains. Our children are there in the Light, urging
us forward with love and preparing our special place with them. They love us want the best for us and they are
watching over us…..
In love and understanding,
Sandra xx
No comments:
Post a Comment