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Thursday, August 2, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy


As I open my eyes to face another day without my son I am determined to make today full of gratitude and thankfulness.  I start by my sweet and adoring four-legged kids who display love for me at all times, for the sun rising, the birds chirping and Spirit watching over me as I sleep and awaken to a new day.

Sixteen months ago I could not find the smallest thing to be thankful for; I dreaded opening my eyes and my stomach was hurling before my eyes even opened.  The dreaded reality of another day, another moment since the harsh news that was delivered on April 6, 2011 storms at my mind and heart.  Unfortunately as parents, we know that a huge part of us leaves with our children.  I have learned certain words that help me to speak of this day and I refer to it as Jeremy’s transition; I believe and know within my own heart he has transitioned to another dimension.

I have found that I can have closure on things that I should have done and didn’t, things I said that I shouldn’t, being preoccupied instead of listening and all the things that were on our “to do list”, Christmas and birthday gifts that can’t be exchanged and all the physical hugs that are now gone with that precious smile of his.

In the beginning my focus was getting through each day for my son, to make him proud and my daughter to hopefully see strength and grace within me.  For them both to feel the intensity of my love for them; the unconditional love that is infinite.

Now I have learned that processing this should not be just for my children, but for me as well.  I have my own personal journey to complete, I have my personal spiritual growth and I am learning to be thankful for each day that God has given me for I believe not to be is an insult to our Creator.  I am learning that to not love myself now and take care of me is not being in thanksgiving and gratitude and therefore saying to God the gifts you give me every day mean nothing to me.

In the processing of Jeremy’s transition for the last sixteen months I have found that to do this right and not just get through each day, but truly bring honor to our Creator, the Divine is for me to extend love every chance I get, to forgive myself and others, to honor the soul within me and to honor the soul in each and every person I have the blessing to come across.  To be kind, courteous, loving and thankful for all of God’s smallest creations to the largest, to love the song of the birds each morning and the dew on the grass is fulfilling a part of my journey and to respect everyone’s journey.

It was an eye opener for me to understand and realize that even my doggie babies have emotional needs and not neglect them in the process of neglecting myself.  I have put them first in caring for them and loving them, but they need me to talk to them, tease them and be playful, they are so happy when I have a laugh with them and are so sad when I am struggling getting through the day.

When I realized that Ella and Gabriel needed me to be happy and laugh I also realized that I needed that as well and that it was hoped of me by our Creator that I would be thankful for my own life and treat myself as a gift from God.

This has been a most difficult journey and in sixteen months the transformation and progress I have made may seem small to many but to me it is a huge hurdle.  Especially considering that I couldn’t get out of bed for being so exhausted and my body frail from grief.  My mind so tormented that being around anyone that was productive made me even more depressed and to be around those who were truly happy made me want to cry.  Why Jeremy?  Why not me instead? 

The hardship this puts on a family is beyond comprehension and yet our spirits are strong and are will is of steel; taking each moment at a time, then each day as it rolls around and then month by month.  Our real time reality is not the same as our Creator’s.  What seems an eternity to us is just scratching the surface where God and our children reside on the other side of the veil, that beautiful dimension where they are strong, happy, and full of love, light and energy and helping us process our challenge of life without them.

It is what our journey is made of now and I want to do this for my children so that I can be a strong and loving example for my daughter and make my son proud of me that I have survived this, however; for God, the Spirit our Creator I want a true “job well done” for I know that to just survive this isn’t enough it is about me finishing my journey and loving myself in the process of each step I take and every path that is placed in front of me.

I have a purpose that needs to be fulfilled and gifts that need to be shared; my life and destiny needs to be completed.  I believe that no one transitions before their time and that our Father God calls them home no matter the age they are or the vehicle by which they transitioned.  I truly believe this with all my heart and with that said I find that being thankful for the twenty-six years with Jeremy and keeping my eyes on the fact that he does live on just in another dimension that it helps me feel connected with him and even more so with Spirit for I do believe that we are all one with the Universe, Universal Mind, Mother Nature and Father Spirit.

There is hope for a better life than the moment we are in for now because I believe in love and within that love is a salve for our hearts and a peace that does surpass all understanding.  I know that Jeremy much prefers that I enjoy the duration of my journey and he has taught me not to just stay out of “midnight” but to not let myself go to “midnight”.  The darkness that waits for us in midnight will destroy us but if we reach for the light and remain there we will find everything we need to be thankful for what remains.  Our children are there in the Light, urging us forward with love and preparing our special place with them.  They love us want the best for us and they are watching over us…..

In love and understanding,
Sandra xx

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