I have been
reflecting on my son’s presence in my life since his transition; wondering how
there are times he is so strongly present and other times it is a subtle
presence.
It is quiet the
paradox in that if I am grieving extremely hard there is the propensity to not
sense his presence his vibration being so much higher than my vibration at the
time; however, there have been times that the grief has been so overwhelming
that he literally helped me to bed.
There have been days
that I have felt lighter in spirit and consequently my vibration is higher yet
I don’t feel his presence as strongly as I have at the times he has sat on the
edge of my bed watching over me in my anguish.
I have spent a fair
amount of time researching, reading when I can, listening to cds by seasoned
spiritual leaders and although I feel I have come into my own; bearing witness
via my spirit and being influenced hopefully by the Spirit only; I find there
are still so many questions and thoughts regarding the nonphysical realm.
For example, I do
believe there are “vibrational matches”; one lowering their energy and the
other raising theirs to meet in the middle to “visit”. I actually know that this has happened with
my son and me but this meeting in the middle happens while I sleep. There have been many times that I have felt
my spirit go back into my body right before I wake and sometimes I remember
fragments of our visits.
Then there have been
the times that I have seen his energy and glimpsed his presence just hanging
out with me and I am very much awake and in process of doing mundane chores.
There are and have been
a lot of moments I hear him speak words of encouragement of our connection and
that he is right here with me. There
have been a few times I have actually heard his voice.
Yet, I cannot say
that there is a definite formula after fifteen months of my son’s transition. I do believe he has to lower his energy to
“be with me”. I believe this because I
have seen his energy and it is moving at such a high rate of speed that should
I actually encounter his full vibrational energy it would probably destroy
me. However; I don’t think that my
energy affects whether he is with me or not because there have been too many
times that my vibration is low with depression and despair yet he helps me,
guides me and reaches out to me.
I will have to
contradict myself and say at this time that perhaps that there is the midnight
that I have encountered and I believe that if I don’t let his light shine on
that darkness then he cannot help me.
Another thought is if I am not willing to shed the darkness and come
into the light he cannot help me. With
that said, there have been times we have actually had a laugh together and it
just came “out of the blue” while I am awake and in the physical realm.
I am pondering today the
thought that it is not my son that withdraws himself but that it is I who
withdraws due to the fact that it takes so much energy and strength at this
juncture for me to “stay in the light”.
I don’t like admitting
that it is much easier to succumb to the depression and pull the sheets over my
head and sleep forever than it is to get up, get dressed and get motivated to
reach for the light, meditate or interact and intersect with life but it is
nonetheless true. There are days that I
can do nothing more than let my mind, heart and body rest and heal; my soul
nourishing itself as I rest and sleep perhaps.
I believe that my
son’s presence is always with me but that it is I who shuts him out not meaning
to but just by doing menial tasks, chores, and/or entertainment to keep my mind
off reality. I think this means that I
am not always letting my soul level be in the driver’s seat but am
relinquishing parts of my control over to my mind; perhaps taking a break if
you will from it all.
Not that I am judging
myself for this because I think it too is part of the healing process for me,
however; I believe that if the mind is in control then perhaps there isn't enough of my spirit present to sense my son's spirit. So if I am literally taking a break and am
totally in the physical realm then perhaps spiritually there is static in the spirit realm on my end.
It is as though I put everything on pause and in a holding pattern until
I can return for more spiritually.
However; that is truly where the strength and healing are; in the spirit
realm, in the light and where the energy and life force resides.
I believe if I keep a
larger portion of control at my soul level then I am more apt to be connected
to my son and others just on the other side of the veil and in keeping a larger
portion of the spirit in control then I am not disconnecting but finding a
balance between walking spiritually in the physical realm.
I could suffice it to
say that it is about finding balance in being a spirit wrapped in a body
travelling the path of my journey while learning to balance my steps and
footing when the road gets bumpy or have a challenge to face.
Thinking out loud but
in love and understanding,
Sandra xx
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