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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy


I have been reflecting on my son’s presence in my life since his transition; wondering how there are times he is so strongly present and other times it is a subtle presence.

It is quiet the paradox in that if I am grieving extremely hard there is the propensity to not sense his presence his vibration being so much higher than my vibration at the time; however, there have been times that the grief has been so overwhelming that he literally helped me to bed.

There have been days that I have felt lighter in spirit and consequently my vibration is higher yet I don’t feel his presence as strongly as I have at the times he has sat on the edge of my bed watching over me in my anguish.

I have spent a fair amount of time researching, reading when I can, listening to cds by seasoned spiritual leaders and although I feel I have come into my own; bearing witness via my spirit and being influenced hopefully by the Spirit only; I find there are still so many questions and thoughts regarding the nonphysical realm.

For example, I do believe there are “vibrational matches”; one lowering their energy and the other raising theirs to meet in the middle to “visit”.  I actually know that this has happened with my son and me but this meeting in the middle happens while I sleep.  There have been many times that I have felt my spirit go back into my body right before I wake and sometimes I remember fragments of our visits.

Then there have been the times that I have seen his energy and glimpsed his presence just hanging out with me and I am very much awake and in process of doing mundane chores. 

There are and have been a lot of moments I hear him speak words of encouragement of our connection and that he is right here with me.  There have been a few times I have actually heard his voice.

Yet, I cannot say that there is a definite formula after fifteen months of my son’s transition.  I do believe he has to lower his energy to “be with me”.  I believe this because I have seen his energy and it is moving at such a high rate of speed that should I actually encounter his full vibrational energy it would probably destroy me.  However; I don’t think that my energy affects whether he is with me or not because there have been too many times that my vibration is low with depression and despair yet he helps me, guides me and reaches out to me.  

I will have to contradict myself and say at this time that perhaps that there is the midnight that I have encountered and I believe that if I don’t let his light shine on that darkness then he cannot help me.  Another thought is if I am not willing to shed the darkness and come into the light he cannot help me.  With that said, there have been times we have actually had a laugh together and it just came “out of the blue” while I am awake and in the physical realm.

I am pondering today the thought that it is not my son that withdraws himself but that it is I who withdraws due to the fact that it takes so much energy and strength at this juncture for me to “stay in the light”.

I don’t like admitting that it is much easier to succumb to the depression and pull the sheets over my head and sleep forever than it is to get up, get dressed and get motivated to reach for the light, meditate or interact and intersect with life but it is nonetheless true.  There are days that I can do nothing more than let my mind, heart and body rest and heal; my soul nourishing itself as I rest and sleep perhaps.

I believe that my son’s presence is always with me but that it is I who shuts him out not meaning to but just by doing menial tasks, chores, and/or entertainment to keep my mind off reality.  I think this means that I am not always letting my soul level be in the driver’s seat but am relinquishing parts of my control over to my mind; perhaps taking a break if you will from it all.

Not that I am judging myself for this because I think it too is part of the healing process for me, however; I believe that if the mind is in control then perhaps there isn't enough of my spirit present to sense my son's spirit.  So if I am literally taking a break and am totally in the physical realm then perhaps spiritually there is static in the spirit realm on my end.  It is as though I put everything on pause and in a holding pattern until I can return for more spiritually.  However; that is truly where the strength and healing are; in the spirit realm, in the light and where the energy and life force resides. 

I believe if I keep a larger portion of control at my soul level then I am more apt to be connected to my son and others just on the other side of the veil and in keeping a larger portion of the spirit in control then I am not disconnecting but finding a balance between walking spiritually in the physical realm.

I could suffice it to say that it is about finding balance in being a spirit wrapped in a body travelling the path of my journey while learning to balance my steps and footing when the road gets bumpy or have a challenge to face.

Thinking out loud but in love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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