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Monday, July 2, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I had the blessing of sharing my birthday with my family this year.  My mom and siblings; my daughter and grandchildren.  It was a really wonderful get together.  I at least this year was ready to see my family on this occasion, however; that space that was my son's is so tangible.  How can space be tangible?  The lack of his density being so obviously gone.

I still have made some progress even though the unspoken, the "elephant in the room" being ignored.  My daughter and I have been able to connect more on this dimension and it not be so raw for us.  I suppose that too is progress.  Such small steps for over a entire year's period, however; progress is just that...... we will take it.

Now the house is quiet and you can hear a pin drop.  It brings the enormity of how Jeremy's love and soul filled this house at one time.  It is as though the air has been sucked out of my home... and me.  When my daughter and grands are here that life opens and fills the room with youth, laughter and so much love.  It is and was very healing to be with them.

My mind almost snapped on me in a nanosecond..... caught me unawares.  The reality of Jeremy's transition hitting my brain so hard that I thought it would splinter.  "Don't go there Mom, don't go there."  I just cannot and am so thankful that I have been guided to the light and out of the midnight yet again.  I know if I were to entertain that split second of reality that I would not return.  I am too fragile today.  It is so hard core that I know that insanity lies waiting there to consume me; it is the darkest midnight I have ever glimpsed.

It is not a place that Jeremy resides; he is in the light.  There is a huge difference in denial and not going to midnight.  Although denial has its purpose; the light is healing.  In the light my son is alive; what lies in that darkness is a monster of terror.

I stay in the light, in the love and raise the vibration of my soul into the light that I might stay on this path and conclude my journey......I have no idea what my purpose beyond surviving this is.....I pray that I may be of service and help someone somewhere.

Thank you God for the light and your light beings and angels who protect and guide us.  Thank you son for sticking around to assist your mom out of that passage of darkness into the beautiful white light.

In love and understanding,
Sandra xx

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