I didn’t expect Memorial
Day to be as difficult for me as it was.
It was an extremely hard day. I
have been “training” myself to let my soul and heart lead the way and not my
thoughts and mind and albeit a very important and significant day part of the
hardship is that so many have died for our country and have given their all for
so many years young and older men and women and it breaks my heart there has
been so much loss.
The loss of losing
your loved one doesn’t just stop with the fact that they have “crossed over”
and are just through the other side of the veil. It impacts entire families for generations to
come. One of my daughter’s deepest
regret is that her children so young have lost an uncle that they loved
deeply. My son was so close to my
grandchildren and as they grow his memory will become dimmer and when they see
pictures it will tug at their hearts because they will see the love but the
memory will fade.
I think one of my
greatest fears is getting to a place where I can’t remember his laugh. Jeremy has one of the most unique and
contagious laughs I have ever heard. It
is one of those that even if you were a stranger and heard him laugh you could
not help but to at least smile; a really big smile. So many beautiful things gone; hanging onto
memories as tight as you can in hopes to keep your child’s memory alive as long
as possible. Even though Jeremy was an
adult – just barely 27 years old he was and still is my child, the baby I
birthed, my one and only son that I will never get to hold his children and see
him grow into full adulthood. He had his
entire life ahead of him, first house, children, mowing his own lawn, longtime
friends, new friends and watching his niece and nephew grow up and love their
children. This is all hard core losses
for me and mine.
But, with that said
and as much as a tragedy it is, the only thing that pivots me forth outside of
my daughter and her family, is keeping focused that Jeremy is truly in a better
place. It is my selfishness that I want
to hang onto him in this lifetime and if I focus on that he is in a place that
he doesn’t want to return from because there is such peace and love there; then
my heart can have a reprieve from the anguish it feels every minute of every
day.
I have taken a few
steps back and am now strong enough again to take a few steps forward and not
let my mind be in the driver’s seat and keep focused on things of beauty that
the Universe blesses us with, my daughter and her family and just being
thankful for all that does remain.
I know my son doesn’t
want nor wishes me to grieve myself to the point of no return; I know he wants
me to finish my journey and do so like a champion. I am once again mustering that strength to do
so. I have found, however; that I must
not push myself too hard because the grieving process does take time and time I
must give to the process.
It is hard to make
sense of it all; there is no way we truly can.
As Jeremy said to me once “there is no changing it” and with a pause I
knew he was right and I know he is still pointing me in the right
direction. If it is worth doing; it is
worth doing right. I am not speaking of
the grieving process but the fact that we do have our own personal journeys to
fulfill with or without our children, we must cross the finish line and I know
that Jeremy wants me to finish my journey and find some happiness on the way
after the process and the acceptance settles in a bit more.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
No comments:
Post a Comment