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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy


I didn’t expect Memorial Day to be as difficult for me as it was.  It was an extremely hard day.  I have been “training” myself to let my soul and heart lead the way and not my thoughts and mind and albeit a very important and significant day part of the hardship is that so many have died for our country and have given their all for so many years young and older men and women and it breaks my heart there has been so much loss. 

The loss of losing your loved one doesn’t just stop with the fact that they have “crossed over” and are just through the other side of the veil.  It impacts entire families for generations to come.  One of my daughter’s deepest regret is that her children so young have lost an uncle that they loved deeply.  My son was so close to my grandchildren and as they grow his memory will become dimmer and when they see pictures it will tug at their hearts because they will see the love but the memory will fade.

I think one of my greatest fears is getting to a place where I can’t remember his laugh.  Jeremy has one of the most unique and contagious laughs I have ever heard.  It is one of those that even if you were a stranger and heard him laugh you could not help but to at least smile; a really big smile.  So many beautiful things gone; hanging onto memories as tight as you can in hopes to keep your child’s memory alive as long as possible.  Even though Jeremy was an adult – just barely 27 years old he was and still is my child, the baby I birthed, my one and only son that I will never get to hold his children and see him grow into full adulthood.  He had his entire life ahead of him, first house, children, mowing his own lawn, longtime friends, new friends and watching his niece and nephew grow up and love their children.  This is all hard core losses for me and mine.

But, with that said and as much as a tragedy it is, the only thing that pivots me forth outside of my daughter and her family, is keeping focused that Jeremy is truly in a better place.  It is my selfishness that I want to hang onto him in this lifetime and if I focus on that he is in a place that he doesn’t want to return from because there is such peace and love there; then my heart can have a reprieve from the anguish it feels every minute of every day.

I have taken a few steps back and am now strong enough again to take a few steps forward and not let my mind be in the driver’s seat and keep focused on things of beauty that the Universe blesses us with, my daughter and her family and just being thankful for all that does remain.

I know my son doesn’t want nor wishes me to grieve myself to the point of no return; I know he wants me to finish my journey and do so like a champion.  I am once again mustering that strength to do so.  I have found, however; that I must not push myself too hard because the grieving process does take time and time I must give to the process.

It is hard to make sense of it all; there is no way we truly can.  As Jeremy said to me once “there is no changing it” and with a pause I knew he was right and I know he is still pointing me in the right direction.  If it is worth doing; it is worth doing right.  I am not speaking of the grieving process but the fact that we do have our own personal journeys to fulfill with or without our children, we must cross the finish line and I know that Jeremy wants me to finish my journey and find some happiness on the way after the process and the acceptance settles in a bit more.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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