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Friday, May 18, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

When I began my journaling regarding my son’s transition I was and am in hopes that it helps other devastated parents.  However; what I know without a doubt is that honesty is a must for us to minister one to the other.

My honesty today is that since my son’s birthday this has proven once again to be most difficult.  It is harder to keep my mind out of the driver’s seat, it is harder to focus and the will to live has diminished to a certain degree.

I share this not to alarm or confuse anyone; it is being shared because it is part of the process for me.

Looking back on the first six to nine months of shock and denial, getting through the holidays and now this year all the firsts is what has really kicked me in the gut.  For me, my son’s birthday was devastating even more so than his transition day.

I read something yesterday which I shared previously regarding the will to live, but I say that to say; that I realized that in just the sharing of that one insight helped me today.  Hence, is why I am journaling this morning and it is also the reason I can write to you today because it helped me to know even deeper the process that we each must go through.

I seem to have lost all my social skills as well I am not functioning very well around other’s because my pain is so deep it is hard to be “carefree” and I find I must only be with those who can trust me in this process.

I am physically better today due to the truth that I read yesterday.  I know we each grieve differently and reach different plateaus at different times, but I am in hopes that this will minister to the person that it is meant for this day.

Because of that truth I can today take the step forward and rest in the Spirit remembering all the things I have been taught as a set of skills and tools to help me through the midnight that calls to me still.  I resist this calling and reach for the light and I will today demand just a little more from myself because I am just a bit stronger than I was yesterday.

In truth, love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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