Memoirs with Jeremy

I have had one huge question since my son’s transition.  You know as parents that your heart is so broken and the agony of not having the child you birthed with you is almost unbearable to the point of death.

I have asked, how could it be, how can I find a way that joy and sorrow can be companions within my heart?  I know that love and respect is a powerful entity on our spiritual journeys.  I know that being thankful and having a heart of gratitude is a huge component on our individual paths.  I know that forgiveness is a must for us to be in the light and that it takes us from midnight.  Walking in this knowledge has lighted my path and has brought me much comfort and peace at my soul level; helping to strengthen me spiritually.

I have been able to come to fulfill love, respect, thanksgiving and forgiveness; although it has been a challenge within itself; it seems to come with the realm of grief. The comfort and peace I find comes from the soul level; it is truly the peace that surpasses all understanding.  It has carried me from midnight and having the light shine on all these lower and devastating energies has brought me the measure of peace and comfort.

But how do I – how can I possibly ever find joy again?  My son took me to a specific book that he uses as a tool to communicate with me.  The last several days have been sad for me and I have missed him so much; it dawned on me that Mother’s Day is around the corner.  I find this most challenging.  As I was praying I cried and said “I am so sad”.  My son impressed on me to go to “our book” and took me to a specific chapter which actually encompassed several things I needed to light and dispel my lower energies. 

However; surprisingly towards the end of the chapter it spoke of the turmoil the earth is in today and that we should collectively send out love and joy.  This isn’t new news to me, of course, but I received an epiphany regarding obtaining joy with in my own heart.  I immediately felt the sadness leave me because the higher energy of joy dispelled the lower energy of sadness.  Of course, I can be joyful!

I can be joyful for my neighbor who just adopted her new baby doggie-girl, I can be joyful that my mom just had a beautiful gathering with her siblings, I can be joyful that we received much needed rain last night, I can be joyful because my friend received a good report from her doctor, I can be joyful because a friend found a perfect job for herself, I can be joyful because my niece just had a new baby.  I can be joyful for OTHERS and EVERYONE who is having good and joyful things happening in their lives.

I have been happy regarding all the things I have listed, however; there is a slant to my perspective to this kind of joy.  It is purer, truer and more genuine; coming from being joyful for others; not just happy and thankful something good has come to them.  I realized that to have this joy in my heart on a consistent level I will need to make it part of my prayers, my intentions to project to the Universe and all those in need; not just peace and love, but joy as well.

I have been accepting regarding joyful moments for others, I have never resented or wished anything less for them; truthfully though sometimes their joy has made me sadder because I haven’t been able to be around a lot of bubbly joyful banter.  I don’t mean this to be selfish, but when you are in grief it is hard to be in the middle of joy.

I have kept a lower energy that causes more sadness; my sadness is causing me more sorrow.  When the light hits the darkness of sadness it cannot remain and when I felt the joy for others my energy level immediately rose and joy came into my heart. I am seeing it through different eyes this morning and as soon as the residue of sadness came off my heart and eyes I immediately felt the light of joy come over me. 

I can send joy and love out to the Universe, to our world.  I can project this joy for the world and for every bleeding heart that is in this small earth plane.  I can send light out into the Universe and ask that it fall on hearts that are so burdened with grief that they can barely move.  I can project this love and joy to every soul that is tormented by the loss of their child.

I have been sending peace and comfort; I learned from the soul level where true peace and comfort come from and that is from the light and Universal Love of God.  I am and have been thankful for the peace and the comfort that has come to me, but now, my intentions are to be projecting love, peace, comfort and joy to the hearts to those who agonize over losing their children; I am sending you joy today.  It is the kind of joy that brings healing and life back to your soul.

Joy and sorrow can be companions.  I know that I will always be sad and lonely for my son; but I am blessed to learn that being joyful for others will come back to me full circle.  It is the same concept of giving a gift; it is more fun in giving than receiving.

It reminds me of Christmastime with my children.  The tree was glistening with lights, carols playing in the background, everyone in their robes with cups of hot chocolate and my kids with their eyes shining with anticipation and the joy that awaits them.  This is such a wonderful memory for me; what I gave them more than anything was the gift of joy.  The joy I received was in the giving.

My intentions each day now is to send you love and peace, comfort and joy that can be shared and projected to our Universe and to all who need healing and the tender touch of the Spirit.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

My beautiful children :)