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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Memoirs wtth Jeremy

Mothers Day 2012

Here comes Mother’s Day; just around the corner

Another first without my son who has always shown me such honor

My son has all through the years shared this day

Now instead of my son; I have tears and I know they will betray

Once there was magic, fun and laughter

Now there are only the days that come……the days after

No more bear hugs and that glint of his soul in his eyes

No more Mother’s day with my son and my heart cries

This is another first for me you see

Another first that my son will not be with me

The gift I have though is in the knowing that he is so near

So close; just a whisper and he will be here

Helping me; guiding me and still showing me his love

Despite the heartache that I feel; It will be another wonderful Mother’s Day with my son; my angel above

May 13th 2012

I love you Jeremy and know you love me too– thank you son for all the joy you have brought to my life; to my soul and heart; it has been an honor to be your Mom. Xxoo

There have been so many first now for a little over a year… each one kicking me in the teeth, but making me stronger at the same time.  Overcoming this travesty has shown me a lot about myself.  I would have never thought in a million years I could actually live through such a tragedy.  This is, as for all parents, your worst nightmare.  I have talked to a few “seasoned” parents and they tell me the pain never goes away; but you learn to become strong and stay.  My reasons for staying may be different from yours; how I grieve is probably also different from you.  What we have in common though is the survival of the most tragic thing that could happen to parents; which propels us to learn to survive.

I think that is why this next year will be so hard; because of all the firsts.  The first year you are in shock, denial, and begin your acceptance.  The following year, so far, are all the firsts.  For me it was getting through all the things that transpired after Jeremy’s transition; then the holidays.  Now this year the kicker was his birthday, few weeks after his birthday is his transition day, grands birthday party, Mom’s day, and each month has a meaning or a tradition that we shared.

It’s going to be and already has been a tough year with all the firsts.  I think if I made it through last year, then I will be able to do so this one.  I have learned a lot.  I know more about me than before, my entire life has been changed and impacted and my old life doesn’t have the meaning it once did; my priorities have been prioritized.  

I know there will be even more to learn this year.  I truly do not know how one can survive something as challenging as this without a belief system.  That has been the only place I can bear this, become stronger because of it and the sheer determination to live and make a strong and loving imprint on my daughter and even for Jeremy.  I pray that the imprint I leave is one that will raise the bar.  I want to be the champion that I have spoken of before; not glorified but one that will inspire and give incentive to all the broken hearts and, unfortunately, broken souls – it brings you so close to the other side of the veil and can be very tempting at times; just giving up and giving in to the agony.  But I know that I don’t want to be anything but strong for my sweet daughter and I want my son when we next meet in the nonphysical realm to give me a high-five.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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