Here comes Mother’s
Day; just around the corner
Another first without
my son who has always shown me such honor
My son has all
through the years shared this day
Now instead of my
son; I have tears and I know they will betray
Once there was magic,
fun and laughter
Now there are only
the days that come……the days after
No more bear hugs and
that glint of his soul in his eyes
No more Mother’s day
with my son and my heart cries
This is another first
for me you see
Another first that my
son will not be with me
The gift I have
though is in the knowing that he is so near
So close; just a
whisper and he will be here
Helping me; guiding
me and still showing me his love
Despite the heartache
that I feel; It will be another wonderful Mother’s Day with my son; my angel
above
May 13th
2012
I love you Jeremy and
know you love me too– thank you son for all the joy you have brought to my life;
to my soul and heart; it has been an honor to be your Mom. Xxoo
There have been so
many first now for a little over a year… each one kicking me in the teeth, but
making me stronger at the same time.
Overcoming this travesty has shown me a lot about myself. I would have never thought in a million years
I could actually live through such a tragedy.
This is, as for all parents, your worst nightmare. I have talked to a few “seasoned” parents and
they tell me the pain never goes away; but you learn to become strong and stay. My reasons for staying may be different from
yours; how I grieve is probably also different from you. What we have in common though is the survival
of the most tragic thing that could happen to parents; which propels us to
learn to survive.
I think that is why
this next year will be so hard; because of all the firsts. The first year you are in shock, denial, and
begin your acceptance. The following
year, so far, are all the firsts. For me
it was getting through all the things that transpired after Jeremy’s
transition; then the holidays. Now this
year the kicker was his birthday, few weeks after his birthday is his
transition day, grands birthday party, Mom’s day, and each month has a meaning
or a tradition that we shared.
It’s going to be and
already has been a tough year with all the firsts. I think if I made it through last year, then
I will be able to do so this one. I have
learned a lot. I know more about me than
before, my entire life has been changed and impacted and my old life doesn’t
have the meaning it once did; my priorities have been prioritized.
I know there will be
even more to learn this year. I truly do
not know how one can survive something as challenging as this without a belief
system. That has been the only place I
can bear this, become stronger because of it and the sheer determination to
live and make a strong and loving imprint on my daughter and even for
Jeremy. I pray that the imprint I leave
is one that will raise the bar. I want
to be the champion that I have spoken of before; not glorified but one that
will inspire and give incentive to all the broken hearts and, unfortunately,
broken souls – it brings you so close to the other side of the veil and can be
very tempting at times; just giving up and giving in to the agony. But I know that I don’t want to be anything
but strong for my sweet daughter and I want my son when we next meet in the
nonphysical realm to give me a high-five.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
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