I have no idea how one day can be so much worse than the day before, but today is one of my pulling and putting it together days. Shutting down my thoughts and mind, “applying pain management”, and reaching for the stars to sooth the ache in my heart for my son.
He is being honored tonight “Hometown Hero” by Fort Worth, Texas. Although Jeremy officially lived with me; the Arlington address which is Ft. Worth, Tarrant County is who has supported him. Jeremy was born and raised in Arlington and I feel it is more than befitting that Tarrant County support him; he loved his life there and all his friends, schools and college.
I am always so amazed and touched when the community reaches out to him in this way; it means more to me than I could ever possibly say to have the support and love for my son that all his friends, brothers in arms, community and schools have shown. I just want to add a very special “thank you” to each one of you.
I believe emotionally this stirs up a bit of a tornado inside me, again, I am very proud and honored that Jeremy has been so supported, but it is bitter-sweet. I am so proud yet miss him so very much. Even though it is emotional it also gives me great strength and courage to be part of his honor; it pivots me forward and although it is bitter-sweet it does nothing but strengthen me in the end because it makes me very determined to be as brave in life as Jeremy was in death; my son has set the bar high for his family and friends. I know I have said this before; but it is such a truth and in that truth there is so much love and courage that run through my veins knowing that my son is witnessing all of his honorary events and how the family, each one of us, in turn make him proud of us for being strong and representing him as he would want us to; brave, stellar, gracefully and yet in love and honesty regarding our love for him.
So today I remind myself of all the things that have been taught me by the Spirit, by my son and what I have learned must be applied for I am still fragile although wiser a year later. There has been progress, truly. I am sad and in deep sorrow because I miss him, just plain ole, flat, right out miss him.
With that said, I am not letting my thoughts and mind take control of the wheel and be in the driver’s seat so that it can drive me into a brick wall, no I will grieve today but from my spirit pure and true, from my heart where I miss my son, but not my head where it will lead me to a path covered in midnight. As Jeremy as said many times, “Don’t go there, it won’t change anything”. I think this has been the greatest tool of acceptance thus far. The difference in resistance and acceptance is night and day; at the inception, however; you are not ready for this step because God does protect you with shock and denial. It is when you start coming out of those two emotional mindsets that you have to push forward.
I know Jeremy is proud of me for doing “as well” as I am – surviving this. Yet, I know he understands how my heart hurts and I cry from the pain of him being torn from me. It is part of the process of grieving and it takes time and lots of it. It is now learning how to live around this and put it in that treasure chest I spoke of, that sweet treasure chest that holds all the beautiful and fun memories I have with my son….. I will take a peek there now and I know it will give my heart a smile and let the light shine from my soul level and propel me towards the light to dispel the darkness that is trying to veil me. I love my “Sonshine”, he truly makes me happy. I am thankful for the Spirit and the Universal Mind and Love of God that loves and supports me.
In love and understanding,