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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy



I have been giving much thought to acceptance and how that plays a key role regarding going forward with our own lives.  I was so thankful for shock and denial when Jeremy transitioned; without it I would have not been able to survive.  After a year, even though there has been some acceptance, I still function somewhat in denial.  I have had slivers of the reality of my son’s fatal tragedy and impact of Jeremy not coming home again draping my body like a black cloth, I thought I might not return. 

Now a year later I am missing him, but somehow very small steps one at a time I have let small amounts of acceptance trickle into my heart.  Resistance, in the long haul, perpetuates more heartache because it keeps you from being in the now and in the moment at your soul level.  Acceptance, when you can and are ready for it, puts you in the now and in the moment where the light of the Spirit floods the black cloth of our tragedy giving us a measure of comfort.

I have learned by being thankful for a songbird; listening to his beautiful song as if sung just for me while a gentle breeze blows lightly against my skin that very moment I am in the Now and all the heartache and the heavy weight that is on my shoulders has been diminished a little and my heartache is minimized; putting me at my core level where the spirit is actually strong, healing and comforting by being in that very moment.  At that moment I am full of thanksgiving and gratitude for the Universe and all she has to offer and that lifts my spirit and in turn helps my broken heart.

It has taken months for me to get to a place where I can be in the moment; in the now.  At times that is all I have had, just that moment to get me through the day, but as I “practice” and encourage myself to step out and thank our Universal God of Love the dark mental thoughts dissolve.  My son has taught me to not go into that dark place, “don’t stay in midnight” and now “don’t go to midnight” and I have so very much connected to what that exactly means.  This kind of midnight is earth shattering, hard core bone chilling terror.  When I resist the midnight and accept the now then my thoughts are more positive and my vibration and energy level automatically spirals upward.  Being in the now is being at the very essence of your core level connecting your spirit with God.

I want to encourage you to be very gentle with yourself and not push anything you are not ready for.  It has taken months for me to say thank you to the Universe because I lost the will to live when Jeremy transitioned, nothing matter, except my daughter and her family. 

When I began my “mantra” of thanksgiving and gratitude to be honest with you it was flat and not genuine, but once I continued on with finding things to be thankful for I realized that there was still much left to propel me to finish my journey; being my daughter first and not tarnishing my son’s transition second.

You can’t be in the now, in this very precise moment and be in fear or feel negative about anything, because the light of your spirit dispels all darkness and gives you a reprieve from the grief stricken heartache that we all possess.

I am not saying this diminishes the impact that losing our children has on us; we will suffer that the length of our journey.  I am encouraging you, however; that at your soul level you will find a measure of peace and comfort.

I liken it to pain management.  Being in the now and at your soul level, in the spirit gives us the light we need to be able to shine on our path with more understanding and the strength to control our mind and thoughts so that we can manage our pain from our spirit connecting with the Universal God, Universal Mind and Love of God.

I am more functional and others have said that I seem to be doing better.  I had to think about that and actually struggled with it, although I do want to be handling this devastation better.  I realized, after much thought, I have actually moved forward somewhat.  I am managing my pain by taking the driver’s seat of my mind and thoughts which keeps me from midnight and I reach for being in the now as often as I possibly can to find that measure of comfort and peace which raises my vibration and helps me be productive.  So, yes…..even though my heart is still crushed; I am learning to live around this and manage the pain more often than not.  I would say that is definitely some progress.

I ask myself if I will ever be giddy and giggly and happy again.  I can’t answer that, I am actually a novice with only a year under my belt.  But, I do know that my priorities have changed drastically and things that seemed so important before fall way down on my list of priorities now.  I have to be honest and say that I find I don’t have that much in common with my old life anymore.  I seem to be going a totally different direction and perspective than I was twelve months ago. 

With that said, I have to say that I like my priorities much more than I did before.  I understand some of the agitation my son had in his return to civilian life from his tours because he had seen death and had a sense of priorities that I knew not of until now.  I wish more than anything I could share this sense of what is truly important in life with my son, but it wasn’t meant to be and it gives me a much stronger respect for him than I have ever had and I already respected him immensely.

I am doing my best to not resist and push against what has happened, no matter how much I am devastated by it, pushing and resisting will not change the outcome.  My son said this to me one day when I was just about to go into the throes of a meltdown – “Don’t go there Mom, it is not going to change anything”.  This is when I started learning to take the driver’s seat of my mind and thoughts.  My son has actually taught me a lot in processing this tragedy.

I will never be able to make sense out of having to lose such a wonderful and beautiful spirit that my son possessed in the physical realm.  I have no idea how the clich√© “when a life experience is not good, then in the long run something good will come out of it”.  I know my son has impacted many, many lives by his transition so I await some of the answers to my questions when I transcend.  I have to be okay with that for the time being.

In the meantime, I will continue to step boldly forth and let acceptance trickle into my heart and not resist the reality of my son’s transition.  I know where the light is and where the light is shining we will find a semblance of peace, comfort and learn how to live again.  Sounds impossible to have a life again, but I can see the path a little more with the light shining on it; we will be able to press on with pain management and place our agony in a special and private treasure chest that we will learn to open and shut as our journey continues.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

This is the first time Jeremy ever had a moustache and we were playing around with it. Being military it didn't last long. He was giving me one of his playful "photo shots". He is always so fun.

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