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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy



I have shared that I have been learning not to let my thoughts and mind take control of me; instead learning via the Spirit to be led by my heart and my spirit.  When I let my mind rule my day then I find that I am pondering more on negative thoughts; sad thoughts and it takes its toll on me.

However, when I stop these thoughts that take me to midnight and take the control of the wheel of my mind; my thoughts are purer, clearer and much more positive and filled with love and energy.  It makes all the difference in how I deal with every minute of every day because not letting my mind rule me keeps me more positive and I am learning to focus on what is really helping me; working for me.

Having a grateful and thankful heart took a long time coming; I didn’t want to face the day least of all get up and be thankful for it; now I am full of thanksgiving and have a grateful heart for that which does remain in my life and I am from my heart truly thanking God for the Universe, birds, trees, family and the time I had with my son.

I haven’t managed this overnight; in fact, by sheer determination it took me a long time and I had to make myself say thank you for the songbird, for the sun, for the beautiful Universe, but once I started the “mantra” I found that thanksgiving and a grateful heart seemed to fall in alignment with my intentions, which were to be grateful for what God has bestowed upon us.

In a years’ time I have learned to make myself get out of bed, be thankful and grateful for anything and everything, take control of my thoughts and mind keeping me from Midnight and with the consistency of doing these little things daily I find the peace that surpasses all understanding.  It is the peace and love that only comes from your spirit; your soul level.

After my son transitioned I wasn’t thankful for the day that was given me; I was in too much pain and wanted to be with my son.  Over months and days, however; pressing through with my son’s helping hand and humor; I very slowly began to repair enough to start my day.  Some days I could only manage to be up a few hours and now today, a little over a year, I am being much more productive than I was even two months ago.

Focus on what helps pivot you toward acceptance; focus on what works for you and be diligent in doing whatever it takes each day to thrust you forward.  I went to the store with my mom just two days ago.  When we returned and put everything away I said to her “geez, I feel a little more human that feels pretty good”.  I was very dysfunctional in the inception of this tragedy and little by little, one tiny little step at a time I have finally managed to be a bit more productive and there isn’t as much “coma” sleeping. 

I share with you in hopes that in my sharing I might help point you to something that will bring you a little hope, comfort and peace.  It is truly from my soul level that I have found the strength and even the courage to face the days that are and were ahead of me.  It was because of my children, including Jeremy, that I have fought to be strong, functional and moving forward.

The Spirit of the Universal God blesses me with many visits from my son especially in the beginning of this tragedy, I honestly didn’t know if I was going to survive this, the toll it takes on you physically – there isn’t anything to compare it to that is why we are called survivors.

It hurts no less, not even a smidgen and I miss Jeremy so much that there aren’t enough words to even grasp how I miss him.  But, brave I will be for I hope to be an inspiration to my daughter and family; I hope to be a Mom that Jeremy will be proud to call Mom. 

I have found the true strength is from my spirit, combined with the Universal Spirit of God and the spirit of my son, I have marked a long hard year.  I will continue to press forward until my journey’s end.

I pray that by sharing I give you a glimmer of hope and inspiration to move forward in your life.  There is never a doubt in my mind that is what our children wish and hope for.  I had the realization one morning that if I didn’t pull myself together and survive this then I would cause my son to carry an unnecessary burden of my death via his.  I decided with that revelation immediately to get up and get going.   I have been pressing forward since – yes, there are days there are still steps backward; we have to be gentle with ourselves because we are going through the most tragic tragedy there is by the transitioning before us of our children.

Be gentle but be tough, be patient yet push on, grieve and cry and go to your soul level for the true comfort and peace that will give you the strength to endure each day; being stronger, wiser, dedicated and lovingly pressing forward to be champions for our loved ones.

In deep understanding and love,

Sandra xx
This picture is of my me, Mom, Jeremy.  I love him in his blues.

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