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Monday, April 23, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I had a good weekend with my daughter and her family this weekend, my grand-girl turned six years old and she had her birthday party on Saturday.  It was a nice family visit including my Mom being able to join us.

Seven months ago we celebrated my grandson’s birthday and it was so difficult because of the huge gaping hole of my son not being physically with us.  In fact, it was such a challenge that it even caused a huge setback emotionally for me.

It was also difficult this birthday with my grand-girl; there is no way to ever fill the space that Jeremy filled.  It is so tangible the space that is empty and very painful and it is so obvious this space that is just space now; knowing that it is Jeremy’s special space that he should be filling.

I found it emotional again seven months later with the family gathering; I will say though that there has been a little progress made because it was somewhat manageable emotionally; even though it still leaves you very sad and hungry for that special space to be filled by your loved one. 

I am sharing this simply to say albeit a small step forward that there is some progress within a year’s time; ever so slightly but I have and know we all will learn to manage our heartbreak and enjoy our family that we still have.

It is such small steps forward, then back again, but knowing that this tragedy as devastating as it is can be manageable gives me hope.  Learning to live around it for me has been the capacity of shutting down the thoughts that could spin me into oblivion; not letting the mind rule but being led of the Spirit within me.

Letting my spirit guide me helped me focus on my daughter and my grands and interact with the family in spite of the sadness and broken heart.  There were moments that I had to take control of myself and push through and was determined to enjoy my family while I could.  But, push I did and took control of my mind and thoughts which made managing the emotions a challenge I could face; it has become a useful skill and tool for me.

I only wish to share this small progress because it is just that – progress.  I wanted to say again that it has been just barely over a year and finally some acceptance is settling in.

I know that this is going to be part of my journey until I have completed my time in the physical realm, but God has been gracious enough to add a little salve to the heart and teach me via the Spirit how to go through this challenge and stay on my path.

I just wish to encourage you if you have recently lost a child; hang on tight for the ride is hard, rough and crushes you spirit, soul and body; I only share this in hopes to instill a small glimmer of hope that we will be strong enough, stubborn and determined to finish this path that we are on that is rugged enough to kill you physically. I thought that I would never be hopeful enough to find a semblance of life again.  I need, want and am determined to cross the finish line like the champion my son is.

Again, I wish to reiterate, I never thought that in a year’s time that there could possibly be any progress much less acceptance, but as small a feat as this may be it has encouraged me enough to want to encourage you.

I am not claiming that it hurts less; I am sharing that you truly learn to accept and perhaps become strong enough to come out of the denial mode.  For me this is progress, and maybe not as small a step as I have deemed it to be….still, this progress feels like a fresh breath that can finally be taken deeply.

I pray that you find some encouragement and strength from what I am claiming to be progress and hope; I pray and wish this for us all.

 In love and deep understanding,    
Sandra xx

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