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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

Admittedly, the last couple of months have been a setback for me emotionally; all these being firsts especially.  Jeremy’s first birthday truly without him, his transition day and the ceremony for the Bronze Valor.  I have done a lot of what I call “coma” sleeping.  It is the only way to heal this body that is being crushed by such devastation to me and my family.

I have to share that going to Houston and meeting all the Marines that were in the trenches was very healing and helpful to me.  Seeing how young they are and not one of them had been to war before; it was their first tour.  Jeremy’s “boss” was fresh out of school to become an officer and I think he had one tour under his belt.  My son, this being his fourth tour was the most seasoned warrior amongst them.  One of the Marines said “he was like a farther to me”; my son was only 26, well just had barely turned 27.  Some of the men because of the way this has been handled are not reenlisting; they are going back to civilian life; because the military has chosen two of the best Marines in Jeremy’s unit to make the fall guys for this.  It is a much larger picture than what the media can convey because the big guys are not talking.

This I know truly; make no mistake my son would be in lots of faces were he to be one  to return to such travesty.  He was always, truly ALWAYS an advocate for his men and had their back at all times.

However; with a little venting there, meeting these wonderful Marines and knowing how brave they had to be and knowing how hard it was to stand in front of Jeremy’s mom made my heart mend just a little bit more.  Some cried, one said “Sorry, Mam, I had hoped to handle myself better”; all the while choking back tears.  This broke my heart for them and all at the same time made my heart fill with love full circle; knowing how much my son truly cared about them and wanted to see them home safely.

There is no way to ever to be able to convey or communicate my love for them and my respect for them for serving our country and showing true love not only to their country but to their brother, Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith.  It did a Mom’s heart good to see her son so loved and respected.

I lay in bed this morning and I felt like someone has blown my candle out.  I pondered that thought and began to see life as a candle from birth to death.  Candles are all shapes and sizes and come in rainbow colors and more; yet each one burn at a different speed.  I have put two of the very same kind of candles together and one burns faster than the other and then there is the occasional candle that seem to burn at the same rate – maybe they are, “soul mates” (an analogy) and are travelling the same journey.  This is how we are in these physical bodies of ours, all on the same journey; different paths and different speeds.

I then realized that I had another candle or two that can be lighted in a nano-second and that is my daughter and her children.  My candle burns bright and light when I am with them.

I am doing my best to keep my son’s earthly candle lit by keeping his memory alive as long as I can and I pray it is; until my candle burns out.  I love hearing stories about him; I love hearing his friends tell stories about him, I love sharing stories about him and ultimately they always end in a good laugh.  I think because of the humor, laughter and smiles that Jeremy has brought to each one of us, we will keep his earthly plane candle flickering for a long time to come.  All the while knowing that his nonphysical body is nothing put pure beautiful light and energy.

I want to thank his unit for helping me heal just by being in their presence.  I pray these two men get the honor they deserve and the big guys have to face what was done or probably more importantly – not done.  I don’t wish to point fingers, at the same time if you haven’t done your job you should be accountable.  At the very least don’t let someone carry your burden.

I will be spending the afternoon thinking, pondering and hopefully become very creative in keeping my son’s candle lighted so that everyone knows his memory lives on.  I am connected to him; yet a big part of me is missing him because he is in his nonphysical realm now.  I feel if I keep his candle flickering that that part of me will begin to heal with each flicker showering me with the light of love from my son and from the Spirit; connecting us one with the other.

I will be back on my feet again and moving forward, actually today I have done so a little.  I am a proud Marine Mom and I wish to do my son justice.  We are all proud Mom’s and parents and I know we all wish to celebrate our children’s lives; let’s do this together.  Praying and sending good intentions one to the other and in these intentions let’s keep our children in the light where the love is; where they are now is full of love and light. 

Today, the darkness, the forbidden midnight will hold me no longer; I am stronger in just sharing with you.  I am taking control of my mind and thoughts and letting the love and the light be my guide, connecting my spirit with the Universal Mind and Love of God; connecting me to you and you to me; being one in the Spirit.

I really, really miss my son.  It is hard to fathom how strong that will be in the years to come; yearning for him.  It will be a roller coaster ride; we cannot be in denial forever, but we can take one second, one minute, one day at a time and ride this journey and see it through to completion like champions.  I know that is what our children wish for us; to finish our journey – not in the just finishing it, but how we finish and how we do it…… champs like they are.

In love and deep intense understanding,
Sandra xx
That’s my son; always with a smile.  “When the going gets tough the tough gets going” and he did it 200% - and mostly with a smile.  When Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith needed to be a fierce warrior from what even some of the Majors have told me; he does that at 200% as well.  I miss him, I love him and I am so very proud of him.
May I be as brave in life as Jeremy was in physical death.
God bless all these broken hearts of parents who have remained yet their children have gone through the veil to the light and love of the Universal Spirit.  May we all be one in the love of God.

1 comment:

  1. Your son is the reason I joined the Marines. He talked to me in High School Economics. I miss him...