The last few days I have been agitated, frustrated and looking at old issues and letting these play like a film in my head; consequently it has caused old feelings to surface which encompass some anger and lots of pain.
I have moved on from these issues – several times – but again they plague my mind. This morning I realized that in two days my son transitioned a year ago, only two days and he was alive this time last year.
I realize that I have gone to an old pattern of letting my thoughts and my mind control me; I had to take a good look at why I would do this again; knowing that it is futile and only causes me to become emotionally distraught.
I realized this morning that I have let myself “be tricked” by my mind because I needed a distraction; something to focus on other than the fact my son is truly gone. A form or perhaps a symptom of denial still which makes it a lot easier to face than reality.
It is easier to be angry even at old issues or events and others than to look reality straight in the face and take it all in; my son will never come home again. It is amazing to me that I can still be in denial at times, however; I understand the reason for denial. Even though it’s been a year in two days, it is still such a shock and hardship on your heart and body that it is the easier way to go through what I must face.
I have been told and I have recognized that running up and down the ladder of grief is still happening to me. One of the rungs is denial and another is anger. I cannot be angry with Jeremy for living his life and choosing his journey and I cannot be angry with God because on a different level and dimension I understand the outcome, so it just has made it easier for me the last few days to focus on something entirely in my head, although it affected me emotionally.
Once I started the process my mind jumped on the band wagon and had a really good time in totally running my thoughts and emotions into a brick wall.
Now, today more settled in and thinking with my heart from my soul level I have taken back the wheel and am in control of what I think. The emotions are raw, the pain is there but it is focused on the loss where it should because one day the entire reality of this will have to be taken in. I can still only do small amounts of reality and when the entire scenario hits me at one time, which it has on several occasions, my heart nearly stops beating.
I am honoring Jeremy today with the help of some very special friends. I have had a “street sign” made that has Texas/state printed on it with Jeremy’s name; Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC and below his name, Memory Lane. I will be placing this at a very special place and mounting brackets for his flags – US flag, Texas flag and his Marine Corps flag. It is the way I wish to honor his transition day. The more I keep his memory alive the easier it is for me as his Mom.
Jeremy has always been a free spirit and I am sensing it is time for him to move on with his life in the dimension that he is in. I know that I will still have visits from him but they have changed since the inception of this tragedy. He has helped me through this most difficult year and has been there for me every time I needed him and there was a window of time that “he just kind of hung out with me”. But, as anything with life you have to keep moving before you stagnate.
I have become stronger in handling this, it is time for more acceptances and that is what I have been resisting. But I must not resist and I must accept the reality as much as possible each day of my journey.
I know down deep, in my soul level, that Jeremy will never leave me and will be here for me when I need him and I feel there will be special visits from him still. I know the connection we have; he has shown it to me and I have felt it strongly. So now I must begin to become stronger and I know that I can, because joy comes from the inside of us. Joy is not found in material things or even in other people; though we can enjoy them and material items bring us pleasure; but true joy is at our core, our soul level and it is in the connection of being one with God, being one with the Universal Mind and Universal Love and Mother Nature. There is an oneness with Jeremy in all of this as well; for we are all connected.
Jeremy has helped me find myself deeper spiritually through this tragedy and I am so thankful to him and to God for helping me and giving me revelations that have only strengthened me.
As these thoughts ran through my soul this morning and I look back and it is shy of being a year; I realize that I have gone forward and I am taking more steps forward and fewer back. Not that this process is completed; I don’t think coming full circle with it will be until the day I am united with my son again and I am promised that I will see him again. I need to remember at my soul level that time space reality is different on earth than in Jeremy’s dimension.
Letting the peace that surpasses all understanding is where my joy and comfort resides; I could not have survived this any other way. My mind tortures me; yet my soul gives me strength and applies soothing salve on my heart; I truly feel the comfort and get relief when I let my spirit lead me and not my mind and thoughts.
I suppose it is an exercise in this lesson of acceptance; you do it over and over and over and until one day it is more normal to me and I will then have found my new normalcy.
I look out my windows and after the storms we had in Texas yesterday everything is so peaceful, clean and gleaming with life. The trees are very green and there is such purity and peace about them; I believe the Universe holds many magical moments for us and when we show the Universe love and gratitude; I believe it is returned to us in many ways. Being in a spirit of thanksgiving and gratitude is especially healing for me. I look at the wonder of the trees, I hear the symphony of the songbirds and sometimes I feel their song is just for me.
May God continue his revelations, blessings and love; continue giving us strength, acceptance and comfort. I pray that we will always be given a glimpse of our children; even if it just a butterfly wings flutter across our hearts. I pray He be especially gracious in assisting us with acceptance, love and comfort and continue helping us mend our broken hearts.
In love and understanding,