The last few days I
have been agitated, frustrated and looking at old issues and letting these play
like a film in my head; consequently it has caused old feelings to surface
which encompass some anger and lots of pain.
I have moved on from
these issues – several times – but again they plague my mind. This morning I realized that in two days my
son transitioned a year ago, only two days and he was alive this time last
year.
I realize that I have
gone to an old pattern of letting my thoughts and my mind control me; I had to
take a good look at why I would do this again; knowing that it is futile and
only causes me to become emotionally distraught.
I realized this
morning that I have let myself “be tricked” by my mind because I needed a
distraction; something to focus on other than the fact my son is truly
gone. A form or perhaps a symptom of
denial still which makes it a lot easier to face than reality.
It is easier to be
angry even at old issues or events and others than to look reality straight in
the face and take it all in; my son will never come home again. It is amazing to me that I can still be in
denial at times, however; I understand the reason for denial. Even though it’s been a year in two days, it
is still such a shock and hardship on your heart and body that it is the easier
way to go through what I must face.
I have been told and
I have recognized that running up and down the ladder of grief is still
happening to me. One of the rungs is
denial and another is anger. I cannot be
angry with Jeremy for living his life and choosing his journey and I cannot be
angry with God because on a different level and dimension I understand the
outcome, so it just has made it easier for me the last few days to focus on
something entirely in my head, although it affected me emotionally.
Once I started the
process my mind jumped on the band wagon and had a really good time in totally
running my thoughts and emotions into a brick wall.
Now, today more
settled in and thinking with my heart from my soul level I have taken back the
wheel and am in control of what I think.
The emotions are raw, the pain is there but it is focused on the loss
where it should because one day the entire reality of this will have to be
taken in. I can still only do small
amounts of reality and when the entire scenario hits me at one time, which it
has on several occasions, my heart nearly stops beating.
I am honoring Jeremy
today with the help of some very special friends. I have had a “street sign” made that has
Texas/state printed on it with Jeremy’s name; Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC and
below his name, Memory Lane. I will be
placing this at a very special place and mounting brackets for his flags – US flag,
Texas flag and his Marine Corps flag. It
is the way I wish to honor his transition day.
The more I keep his memory alive the easier it is for me as his Mom.
Jeremy has always
been a free spirit and I am sensing it is time for him to move on with his life
in the dimension that he is in. I know
that I will still have visits from him but they have changed since the
inception of this tragedy. He has helped
me through this most difficult year and has been there for me every time I
needed him and there was a window of time that “he just kind of hung out with
me”. But, as anything with life you have
to keep moving before you stagnate.
I have become
stronger in handling this, it is time for more acceptances and that is what I
have been resisting. But I must not
resist and I must accept the reality as much as possible each day of my
journey.
I know down deep, in
my soul level, that Jeremy will never leave me and will be here for me when I
need him and I feel there will be special visits from him still. I know the connection we have; he has shown
it to me and I have felt it strongly. So
now I must begin to become stronger and I know that I can, because joy comes
from the inside of us. Joy is not found
in material things or even in other people; though we can enjoy them and
material items bring us pleasure; but true joy is at our core, our soul level
and it is in the connection of being one with God, being one with the Universal
Mind and Universal Love and Mother Nature.
There is an oneness with Jeremy in all of this as well; for we are all
connected.
Jeremy has helped me
find myself deeper spiritually through this tragedy and I am so thankful to him
and to God for helping me and giving me revelations that have only strengthened
me.
As these thoughts ran
through my soul this morning and I look back and it is shy of being a year; I
realize that I have gone forward and I am taking more steps forward and fewer
back. Not that this process is
completed; I don’t think coming full circle with it will be until the day I am
united with my son again and I am promised that I will see him again. I need to remember at my soul level that time
space reality is different on earth than in Jeremy’s dimension.
Letting the peace
that surpasses all understanding is where my joy and comfort resides; I could
not have survived this any other way. My
mind tortures me; yet my soul gives me strength and applies soothing salve on
my heart; I truly feel the comfort and get relief when I let my spirit lead me
and not my mind and thoughts.
I suppose it is an
exercise in this lesson of acceptance; you do it over and over and over and until
one day it is more normal to me and I will then have found my new normalcy.
I look out my windows
and after the storms we had in Texas yesterday everything is so peaceful, clean
and gleaming with life. The trees are
very green and there is such purity and peace about them; I believe the Universe
holds many magical moments for us and when we show the Universe love and
gratitude; I believe it is returned to us in many ways. Being in a spirit of thanksgiving and
gratitude is especially healing for me.
I look at the wonder of the trees, I hear the symphony of the songbirds
and sometimes I feel their song is just for me.
May God continue his
revelations, blessings and love; continue giving us strength, acceptance and
comfort. I pray that we will always be
given a glimpse of our children; even if it just a butterfly wings flutter across
our hearts. I pray He be especially
gracious in assisting us with acceptance, love and comfort and continue helping
us mend our broken hearts.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xxoo
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