April 3, 2012 Memoirs
with Jeremy
Forgiveness is a
powerful decision to make in one’s life.
To pardon someone for an injustice against yourself in one thing;
pardoning from an injustice regarding your children is a totally different
realm and a very significant dimension.
There was an adage at one time that was “to forgive is to forget”, I
admittedly, have not grasped the concept of that with the exception of my
children.
I can forgive my
children anything. My love is so strong
and pure for them and is absolutely unconditional. But, an “outsider” if you will, causes me to
be more on the defense; I might truly forgive them and go on being friends, but
I never truly forget a true injustice.
Not that I cling to that, but I have always found if someone will abuse
you then usually that is in the personality trait and they will get to it again
one day. I am not speaking of
misunderstandings, or cross words. I am
speaking of things much harsher and to forgive and move from. The Bible says we are to forgive as much as seventy
times seven.
I believe this refers
to issues that we deal with; forgive and move onto and then somehow they seem
to surface again. Maybe same issue but
different circumstances or perhaps tucked way back in your subconscious and then
bam something triggers this issue and you go through the routine of forgiving
that injustice again. I have had this
happen throughout my lifetime and on a more personal note it usually was in
conjunction to relationships, significant others.
I will also have to
confess that there have been a few times that my children have not just stepped
on my toes, but on my heart. I have
always been quick to forgive and love them unconditionally, but there are some
things that just never go away. When
that specific incident raises its head for whatever the reason; I am quick to
forgive again. I will continue to
forgive them because I choose to do so and as times goes on these become
vaguer. We as a family were by no means
perfect, but love and forgiveness and honesty are and have been always top
priority. Put your cards on the table,
discuss it, play your hand agree to disagree if we must, but always forgive and
move on. We have always departed one
from the other with I love you and hugs; even leaving the house to go to the
store.
I choose to forgive
my country for the injustice that was done to my son. I choose to forgive the young men who pushed
the button to the drone. I choose to not
only forgive them but sense the agony in their hearts that such a tragedy was
instigated by mere seconds and faulty communication. I choose to forgive because they were doing
their jobs just as my son was doing his.
It is a straight up
tragedy for everyone one of us, especially our sons. But the domino effect that it has on families
is so life changing that to some degree each one of us died partially with
them; especially the parents. I feel as
though half of me is truly gone. My
daughter’s loss is so tragic and I feel so helpless in trying to help her and
we are careful and cautious with each other’s grief and triggers. It is undoubtedly life changing.
However; with that
said, to hang onto bitterness, injustices and not forgive is another load and
tragic emotion that has to be carried with the real tragedy, my son will not come
home again. Although I choose to forgive
out of love; I also forgive so that I can be stronger as well. It was simply a very tragic mistake and it is
hard to swallow. The bigger picture is
that everyone were doing their jobs; my son loved being a Marine and protecting
his country and family. He learned so
much from the Marines and they assisted him in being a man’s man. He truly loved serving his country. I would never ask him to change that because
that his who he is and was.
Love and forgiveness
go hand and hand. You can’t do one
without the other. There is already
enough heartache losing Jeremy for a lifetime.
I don’t want to dish more heartache to those who were trying to do their
jobs and because of vague communication these men who serve our country will
have this to carry for the rest of their lives.
I choose to love and forgive them and pray that it truly doesn’t haunt
them for a lifetime.
I wish it weren’t so,
but it is. And as Jeremy has impressed on
me many times; there is no changing it Mom.
I can’t say I have a grasp on destinations, because I know we have
choices in life. Jeremy made his choice
and he knew in his heart what his choice would cost him, but I also know if his
unit had not made it home that would have been a burden and tragedy that my son
could never let go of. So, I am very
proud of him for his strength, courage and wisdom and I am happy for those we
got to return to their families.
I am very sad that my
son and his medic did not; but I will constantly forgive that mistake and reach
out in love. I choose love and to
forgive them, but I also choose to do so for me. I also know that Jeremy loved his fellow
Marines and military and I chose to forgive and love for him as well.
In love, forgiveness,
acceptance and deep understanding,
Sandra xxoo
Proud Mom of Ssgt.
Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11
Following is one of
the last pictures taken of my son before his transition in Afghanistan. It is so heartbreaking and yet when I see how
happy he truly is it puts a little salve on my aching heart.
He was a man’s man, a
fierce Marine, true to himself and others with a heart of gold and a smile that
always lighted the room he was in. When
he showed up anywhere everyone gravitated and pivoted towards him. He is so full of life you just couldn’t get
enough of what he projected and shared:
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