It has been eleven months today and I have run up the ladder to the first rung of grief; denial. It is so hard to accept that your child isn’t ever coming home again. It doesn’t matter how old they are; they are still your babies and you still feel protective over them at all times. It was a year last month that I last heard from Jeremy; a text. I miss him so much and have to ask myself how do I do this for the rest of my journey and for me to find strength and most importantly peace is through God, finding my balance spiritually.
I can’t speak often enough about how it helps me to be in a spirit of thanksgiving and being grateful for what I do have left in life. Of course, material things pale in comparison to my loved ones; yet I find much comfort in nature.
I love the song of the birds first thing in the mornings, I love God’s rainbow promise, I love my four-legged furry kids, I love my home for it is my safe haven, I love the cool breeze that blows across my face and reminds me that Jeremy is there with me and he is alive; feeling the connection of being one with the Universe. I love that gentle flutter that crosses my soul and I know my son is beside me. I love the way that Jeremy has been here to help and only God knows how important it be Jeremy that assisted me these last few months.
I don’t wish to hold on to my son. From what has been said to me he has other things to learn and other duties and jobs to complete and I certainly don’t cling to him every day and I even apologize to him if I have my meltdowns for I don’t want to concern him in any way. But, he has truly been my guardian angel and I know he is doing everything he can to help. I have never tried to conjure him up; he just seems to be present when I truly need his support.
Jeremy will be 27 years old on Friday. The holidays were hard, but this is truly devastating and I am sharing this so that if anyone has a birthday pending for their child; brace yourself for it is most difficult.
I will do something special on Friday for Jeremy so that I will feel that I have spent some birthday time with him. In fact, I will buy a movie that I know he would enjoy and that be a way to spend time with him. He loves filet mignons and I just so happen to have a couple in the freezer and some champagne and am just thinking about “celebrating with Jeremy” in this manner. If he were home I know that our celebration would be very similar to this. Maybe this will help me to truly celebrate his life and come through the day like a champ.
I have found I find my peace in knowing that Jeremy has transitioned and he is just through the veil. There have been countless ways that he has proven his presence and I am most thankful for those contacts. This is a process and one that will continue but hopefully I will find a new normal to maintain a new life; there is no way to fill the chair Jeremy sat in, there is no way to fill the void where he once was. If I will focus on that he is truly still alive; that it is simply a transition then it helps my broken heart.
So, I breathe, drink plenty of water; focus on our good memoires; celebrate his life and be in a spirit of thanksgiving and gratitude and I know Jeremy’s special day will be as special as he is.
In prayer, love and deep understanding,
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps
03-09-85 – 04-06-11