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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

It has been eleven months today and I have run up the ladder to the first rung of grief; denial.  It is so hard to accept that your child isn’t ever coming home again.  It doesn’t matter how old they are; they are still your babies and you still feel protective over them at all times.  It was a year last month that I last heard from Jeremy; a text.  I miss him so much and have to ask myself how do I do this for the rest of my journey and for me to find strength and most importantly peace is through God, finding my balance spiritually.

I can’t speak often enough about how it helps me to be in a spirit of thanksgiving and being grateful for what I do have left in life.  Of course, material things pale in comparison to my loved ones; yet I find much comfort in nature.

I love the song of the birds first thing in the mornings, I love God’s rainbow promise, I love my four-legged furry kids, I love my home for it is my safe haven, I love the cool breeze that blows across my face and reminds me that Jeremy is there with me and he is alive; feeling the connection of being one with the Universe.  I love that gentle flutter that crosses my soul and I know my son is beside me.  I love the way that Jeremy has been here to help and only God knows how important it be Jeremy that assisted me these last few months.

I don’t wish to hold on to my son.  From what has been said to me he has other things to learn and other duties and jobs to complete and I certainly don’t cling to him every day and I even apologize to him if I have my meltdowns for I don’t want to concern him in any way.   But, he has truly been my guardian angel and I know he is doing everything he can to help. I have never tried to conjure him up; he just seems to be present when I truly need his support.

Jeremy will be 27 years old on Friday.  The holidays were hard, but this is truly devastating and I am sharing this so that if anyone has a birthday pending for their child; brace yourself for it is most difficult.

I will do something special on Friday for Jeremy so that I will feel that I have spent some birthday time with him.  In fact, I will buy a movie that I know he would enjoy and that be a way to spend time with him.  He loves filet mignons and I just so happen to have a couple in the freezer and some champagne and am just thinking about “celebrating with Jeremy” in this manner.  If he were home I know that our celebration would be very similar to this.  Maybe this will help me to truly celebrate his life and come through the day like a champ.

I have found I find my peace in knowing that Jeremy has transitioned and he is just through the veil.  There have been countless ways that he has proven his presence and I am most thankful for those contacts.  This is a process and one that will continue but hopefully I will find a new normal to maintain a new life; there is no way to fill the chair Jeremy sat in, there is no way to fill the void where he once was.  If I will focus on that he is truly still alive; that it is simply a transition then it helps my broken heart.

So, I breathe, drink plenty of water; focus on our good memoires; celebrate his life and be in a spirit of thanksgiving and gratitude and I know Jeremy’s special day will be as special as he is.

In prayer, love and deep understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps

03-09-85 – 04-06-11

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