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Saturday, March 3, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

Namaste (nah mah stay) – The spirit in me honors the spirit in you. xx

I have done a lot of soul searching; especially the last few days.  The reflection I have looking back at me is that my children have defined me.  I was a stay at home Mom who assisted with entrepreneurship businesses and put others through school, worked while married and was never paid and therefore didn’t pay that much into social security, 401’s, etc.  While I was single I did work for large corporations with excellent positions climbing up the ladder in these well-known businesses and was doing quite well for myself financially and was happy with the work I was doing at the time.  Then I met “dad” and we had a wonderful adventure, my daughter was born in Saudi Arabia; we returned and we were blessed with Jeremy seven and a half years later.  Despite their ages; my son and daughter were so close that those who were ever around them remarked how remarkable it was that they loved each other so much.

That was when my life really came together for me.  I loved being home and raising my own children and that it be me that implemented the structure, values, manners and morals, i.e. no regrets, two wrongs don’t make a right, respect your elders, forgiveness, kindness, generosity and love.

Now…….my daughter is grown and replicating her mom.  She is the best mom I have ever known.  Thank goodness that parenting skills evolve into better parenting skills through the decades.

I am now, divorced, my children who remain lives hours from me, my immediate family lives hours from me and my son who had previously lived with me, has transitioned.

Yes, lots of soul searching and reflection regarding life as it is now – the past, I choose the good memories to be put into a very special treasure chest, the future hasn’t the same goals as before and I am in a place of redefining my life and finding me, who am I now?

Jeremy’s transition has had such a life changing impact on his immediate family.  We have grieved so hard you wonder how your physical body survives the grief.  That is, again, why we are called survivors.

The journey has been hard.  You find a lot out about yourself and how strong you can be when you have to be.  How wise you can be when you need to be.  Also, how you can utterly be irrational and emotionally distraught in a flash when your triggers have been pressed.

You become a quick study on specific triggers and with others who are also grieving in their own personal and private way; which we all do it differently.  For me it has been an exceptional spiritual journey, not perfect because it has been spiritual, but because of it being spiritual I have had to learn forgiveness in ways I have never truly understood before.  I have had to learn to love despite what has transpired and make sure at all times that my heart is as pure as it can be towards everyone.  I have truly been going through the fire.

My son impressed on me to start the year 2012 with a clean slate and a different approach regarding how I grieve.  It has quite literally been impressive.  It has been about specific issues being resolved, the communication improving, Jeremy leading me to specific things to read and to write, old friends calling out of the blue, help arrives when needed and unexpectedly.  I believe with all my heart that this is due to Jeremy helping me through grief and making it a little easier by letting me know he is with us still yet in another dimension and that he is watching over his family.

One such reading was Buddha, “The thoughts manifests as words.  The words manifest as deed.  The deed develops into habit and the habit harnesses into character.  So watch the thoughts and its ways with care and let it spring forth from love, born out of concern for all beings.”  Buddha; “We are what we think.  All that we are arises with our thoughts.  With our thoughts, we make our world.”

I was lead to Ghandi; “A man is but the product of his thoughts.  What he thinks, he becomes.”  And then….Plato said, “Know thyself.”

These are men of times so long ago who have spoken such wisdom and it still rings clear today and is being taught in what is now being called “A New Thought” translation of spirituality.  Yet even Jesus taught the same in the New Testament and became Christianity himself because it was such a “New Thought” considering the religious leaders were the law then and are the ones that put him on the cross.  My thinking is that he died because of religion and religious leaders and because he was spiritual…. How loving and forgiving “Father, forgive them.  They know not what they do.”

These are ways I am finding my lighted path and journey.  I can only survive this if I do so in love, forgiveness with true compassion and genuinely care for others as they journey their own path and I in return accept and respect the path they are on.  I cannot find my way but spiritually to this horrific tragedy yet miraculous transition for my son.  He is truly even more beautiful in the spirit realm.

I believe this is the new thought, the shift to come and has been for a long time now.  We have made countless turnovers with wars, hippie era, religion and churches, but bottom line is in the pureness of love. It is a love so pure that when you go through the fire you can only be in deep understanding and acceptance of others.

There are times I feel lost, times I feel I have the weight of the world on my shoulders because the grief is so heavy, there are times I feel empty, times I am so exhausted from grief all I can do is sleep.  But when I hear Jeremy’s voice saying to me now “don’t go to Midnight”, when he reaches out and puts his arm around me and helps me to bed and tucks me in, when I hear him laugh and say things that I know only it would be he that would say certain things, certain ways; the list goes on.  He is my Sonshine on this lighted path that if succumb to would be total darkness, he is my guardian angel just as he promised in his letter.  He is my hope and every glimpse of him in the other dimension knowing that he still truly lives is the lifeline I have had through becoming more spiritual and responsive to his spirit and has been my strength.  I am so thankful to God and the Universal Mind of God and the Universal Love of God that I have been blessed with the knowledge that my son truly lives on and is with us still.

I don’t know how long we will be blessed with his presence; all I know is that he has guarded and watched over me and his family.  He is beautiful, beautiful golden energy and yet he has not changed, he still has that wonderful sense of humor and can make you laugh and put a smile on your face in a flash.

I treasure these moments.  Jeremy was with me a lot during the inception of this new path we are on.  I know he watches over me all the time, however; I believe he has had to pull back a little so that I can learn to do this in my own strength and time.  Yet, he is here in a flash when it gets too rough and it still does often.

This has been a real kick in the rear for me and my family.  But we choose to be as brave in life as Jeremy was in death.  He never compromised his beliefs or character and we hope to be true champions through this as he has been in the physical realm and now in the nonphysical realm.

May this journey bring enlightenment, love and acceptance to all beings and may we be great students of truth, light and strength.

In love and deep understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps

03-09-85 – 04-06-11

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