Memoirs with Jeremy

I divorced a few years ago and it was a fairly traumatic experience; the entire twelve years was traumatic and I became depressed and had to find myself again.  I started climbing out of my hole and was beginning to have joy in my heart; my son was living with me and I was truly happy about him being here.  Just being in the same room with Jeremy (and my daughter and grands) colored my world happy and means everything to me.

I say that to say that I had begun learning how to turn my life around and be happy again and not let otherwise developments affect me as they had before.  I was stronger, wiser and learned very much from the experience.  I look back now and it seemed that perhaps I was in training for the “big one”; the daddy of all grand-daddy’s; the one that shatters your entire world.

As I have broached this tragedy with my son to use a cliché of saying “I choose to be happy” seems surreal to me now; although I know one day we will all be able to find a new normal and that encompasses a “new happy”.  As I recovered from my divorce it was my mantra and it was very good advice and helped me tremendously; for that particular shift in my life.

I have never once been ungrateful nor have I been unthankful for what does remain with me today and that is my beautiful daughter and grands.  It is astonishing how our priorities change with this kind of life changing tragedy.  It can be hurtful to think of being happy or joyful and can make you even feel guilty if you do.  I have been able to have a good laugh with a friend and with family and in the last few months there has been good company; however, being joyful and gleeful is entirely different in comparison of being thankful for those you still have in this physical realm and finding a semblance of peace in your life as it is now.  I am comfortable with having peace in place of being giddy with life at the moment.

I so believe in the power of words and thoughts and I know that it brings healing to your heart and body.  I keep good thoughts and words close to my heart at all times but what I am learning is although I may not be jumping up and down in joy this moment I can find peace and a semblance of happiness if I do keep my thoughts from running me into a brick wall.  I am addressing being in the moment and for me that is about all I can handle; one moment at a time.  It has helped me to be in control of the thoughts I do choose to ponder and bask in and not those ones that devastate me.  With this in mind I have asked myself time and again how one manages for joy and sorrow to be companions within one's heart.

I know we will learn to tuck the pain away in our own personal treasure chests of good memories with our children who have transitioned.  I know our thoughts and hearts will become stronger and purer after going through the fire as we have with our tragedies.  The sorrow of not having our children to share the rest of our physical life with will never desist or decease; it will forever remain with us.

I encourage myself each day with thanksgiving and gratitude; granted some days I have to search for things as in running water, birds, anything and everything to align my spirit with the Universal Mind of God to be thankful for the pain is relentless.  But, that little spark of gratitude grants a flutter as light as a butterfly to graze my soul and I know that the cause and effect of being thankful, loving and aligning my soul is the inception of a new normal which will eventually ignite more joyful times as I finish my own personal journey.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx