I had a hard time getting my day started yesterday; just didn’t have the will to even start my day. I took it easy and as the time approached the hours that I birthed my son twenty-seven years ago, it became most difficult.
I spent the morning in meditation and felt a very strong presence of angels protecting me and Jeremy beside me helping to infuse strength and courage into my spirit, soul and body.
At four o’clock I was ready to celebrate his birth day…..I prepared filet mignon, baked potatoes and opted for a glass of wine instead of the Champaign. I remembered I never can open the bottles. I celebrated one of his favorite meals and watched a movie that he loved and I really felt like he was enjoying the movie with me. It is just a sense of his presence and a feeling of peace when I feel he is with me. I keep hearing him say “I am right here, Mom” and it comes from my chest area, my heart.
It was hard, but as usual the day after seems to always hit me harder than the day of the holiday. I have learned that as long as I am seeking peace that I am a lot stronger and calmer than if I am trying to be joyful. Not that there can’t be joyful moments, I have definitely had those with my daughter and grands. But, on a daily basis if I find peace; for me that is aligning my core with the Universal Mind of God and in that moment I can find also comfort.
I am learning to live from my heart and not let my mind and thoughts control my life and being in the moment helps me with the balance of peace and comfort. I have resolved to remain as strong as I possibly can each day and to remain determined to become stronger with each day. Although, there are setbacks; I know that I will push forward. Admittedly, it takes much energy to push forward; in fact, it is exhausting and would be much easier to just give into the darkness; the “Midnight” that calls me.
But, I will make the shift to increase my vibration that goes forth in waves into the Universe; I know that my energy is either high or low and that the low vibrations are darker whereas the higher vibrations are permeated with white light energy. I want to shift my life to a higher frequency and know that it must begin within my soul level. I also have learned that the higher the frequency I have the more peace and comfort is imparted and permeated through my being.
There is no way to explain to someone just how difficult it is to lose your child. Some want to compare it to losing a parent, etc. But, there are no words to impart to those who have not walked in our shoes to know how totally devastating it is. And, even if you have other children, the child that has departed can never be replaced, that void is and will always be there. It leaves a hole in your heart and you feel that a large part of you has departed with your child, maybe in some ways because of the DNA connections we have is why we feel it so intensely and deeply. I refer again to Dr. Chopra’s Center and their lab experiments; it just makes a lot of sense to me.
I know that Jeremy wishes me to find happiness and have a life again. I know my daughter needs her mom and I would love to watch my grands grow up and be a part of their lives. It is what motivates me and keeps me seeking a higher vibration so that my body and mind will not just shut down. So the higher the frequency I reach; the more peace and comfort and good things flow my way.
For me reaching for a higher vibration is attuning myself to the Spirit by being thankful and grateful for those who remain in my life, my home which is my safe haven, the beautiful nature of the Universe. Once I begin my alignment then I am very cautious of the words and thoughts that I have during the day. I try not to let reruns go through my mind all day; there have been certain issues during the process of our tragedy since April that has taken counseling and talking about those issues. But, as soon as I vent and let go of that issue; I align myself with the Universal Love of God and send out good intentions for everyone I can think of.
William Walker Atkinson (1862-1932) “Like a stone thrown into the water, thought produces ripples and waves which spread out over the great ocean of thought. There is this difference, however; the waves on the water move only on a level plane of all directions, whereas thought-waves move in all directions from a common center, just as do the rays from the sun.” (Thought Vibration)
As hard as it may be I try to keep my core in alignment with the Spirit, and in doing so it helps to keep my thought vibration in alignment as well. I so want to be able to do this like a champion. I know there is no wrong way or right way, that we each have our own way and that is how we should grieve; whatever works for each one of us; individually and uniquely.
I want to be an exemplary model for my daughter, I want my family and friends to be proud of how strong I have learned to be and I want my son and the Spirit to be able to say at the end of my journey “job well done”.
I am trying to find myself and I know that everything begins with what is on the inside of me and will manifest itself in the outside world. No perfection here, a definite work in progress, but as my son as reminded me, “as long as I am moving I am making progress.”
In love and understanding,