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Friday, February 3, 2012

Memoirs With Jeremy

I woke up this morning with my usual routine of letting my four-legged children out to be good babies....returned inside to the kitchen and started coffee... I have a special cup that Jeremy used when he lived here with me and this is the cup I use - it is my way of "having morning coffee with him" as we did each morning. While the coffee was dripping I, blurry eyed and groggy, waddled back to my room to settle into meditation while the coffee was making.

As soon as I began my meditation I realized that during this routine the dreaded darkness was coming over me, I immediately started taking control of my mind and did not let it control me. I am understanding that my mind is my worst enemy. But I also was able to get out of bed and make coffee without my usual meltdown, thank God there is some small progess being made.

I also realized that I didn't align myself properly before the morning routine which is important for me, i.e., being thankful for all that I do have, my daughter and grands and my earthly time I had with my Jeremy and now the spiritual time I can have with him...... being thankful, setting my heart in gratitude and aligning my spirit with the Spirit, God, Mother Nature, and the Universe.

It is a process, it is practice, it does take a lot of energy at first to stay on this path, but it sure is a lot better than the alternative of what Jeremy referred to as "Midnight" and it is terrorizing there. This is the only way I can withstand the horror of living without my son and I believe I am beginning to move forward one stepping stone at a time. But, as Jeremy said to me once, you are moving and that is important even if there is a step back, push forward for the step forward again.

With love and understanding,

Sandra
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith United States Marine Corps

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