I have been feeling a lot of pressure and having to concentrate harder on keeping in alignment spiritually.... lots of panic and anxiety attacks and I finally stopped and analyzed my symptoms and what is going on with me..... my son's birthday is coming up, March 9th, and although I know that and it never leaves my mind.... I am looking at preparing myself for a very hard day. I wish to celebrate his birthday and I know how challenging it is going to be. He "rebirth" day is April 6th and I want to find a way that this can be peaceful and comforting throughout the years. This will be my first, the holidays were so hard and now another milestone.....I know if I keep settled at my core and celebrate the twenty-six years I had with him - that I will be able to maintain and not go into the terrifying Midnight that I know all too well.
I will be spending my days in preparation and I pray that I make Jeremy proud of me and I know I will find something he will enjoy. He said to me on January 1st "let's start a clean slate with the new year and do it right".... meaning that there be more light than darkness...... it is his special day and I will listen intently and keep aligning my energy - I know I can do this - I know I can do this like a champion...... with Jeremy's helping hand and God's...... I know I will be in excellent care and love......and am every day. Sure miss my son, I do feel his connection every day, however; there haven't been any "real visits" in a few weeks.....He has shared a few things with me but not anything that I can post.......maybe soon.
Well, I am updating you and sharing that I too am struggling, but I choose to put on my "party hat" and come up with a celebration that will put a smile on my son's face...... it is still his special day and I intend to keep it that way. For Christmas his gifts were movies "we watched together", for his birthday.....I am putting the thinking hat on before the party one I suppose..... I don't mean to sound flippant, it is my way of dealing - still some denial and I do feel this a very special day and I do with all my heart want to honor my son and do it right, again, like a champion.... :)
I will all my heart and soul want March 9th 2012 be in honor of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps.
I love you son, Mom xx
In love and understanding,