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Saturday, February 18, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I am in a place of some relief.  I have worried about finding joy and being happy again; knowing that one day I will be more social and more functional.  I am not in a place that I am capable of going out and kicking up my heels and delight in festivities, being joyful and have a gay ole time.  I find it rather taxing and exhausting, in fact, when I am at a social gathering and “putting on the face or mask” that I am fine and smiling, I am sure the heart and smile are not totally connected.

However; put me with my family, my grands and good friends and I can find joy in their presence and company; I can be funny and have a period of time that I am happy to share time with them.

So I have been asking myself for months; how does sadness and joy find companionship in my heart?  I know that I will be more functional as the days, months and years go by; but how will I ever be free of the sadness of my son not sharing my physical journey until it is time for my transition to the other side of the veil?

I can only say that in these few months that have passed that only allowing myself to grieve and not go into the dark and terrifying Midnight and let my spirit guide me into a peace that surpasses all understanding is there any true relief and a semblance of peace.

Yes I cry; I want to cry every minute and I can’t seem to grasp the concept that I have a very long time to complete this journey without Jeremy.  It is tormenting, torturous and unbearable, but I know I will learn to live around this, maneuver life around so that I can find a peaceful journey and not be in such torment each second and minute of every day year after year.

What a hardship for parents to suffer.  It doesn’t seem natural that my son would go before me yet I know in my heart of hearts he completed his journey and he has fulfilled his terms of his “spiritual contract” with God on the planet earth.  I know I must do the same.

I am reaching out in this manner tonight because I know you are hurting too.  I have found some answers that have brought hope to my heart, I have searched others knowledge and life experiences to gain some insight into this tragedy and I have been blessed with my own spiritual life experiences with Jeremy that I have said countless times has saved my life.

Still I think of doing this and what the big picture is going to be and I have no answers; I cannot see past this very word as I type.  I do feel there is a bigger picture and that God has a plan; can’t imagine Him being disorganized or forgetting that one of his children is lost in one of the isle of torment and grief.

I choose to be upbeat and mostly of late I am, but I don’t want you to think if you are not then you are not progressing.   Many times I have taken one step forward to only take two more back and my son impresses on me that as long as I am moving then that is progress; better than not moving ultimately. 

I have been very excited about the experiments done in the Chopra Center because to me it says that our energies are connected – I like to know that this has actually been conducted and not just take someone’s word that it is a possibility, but these studies which have been many have acknowledged to my soul level that there is an afterlife and that Jeremy has transitioned into that life.  I read somewhere that someone deduced that our “skin; our bodies” were but the veil that keeps us from the other side…. It is an interesting concept.

I wanted to share this evening to say that I know how hard this is; it’s harder than hard and I identify and know exactly where you are.  It is not easy and there will always be that place in our hearts that our children have left their imprint; that will never change.

But I know that for Jeremy to complete his transition and feel good about the place his family is in is very important to him and that is a reminder and a huge incentive for me to push forward.

I do my best each day to align my energy and vibrations that I am transmitting to the Universe to be in sync with Mother Nature.  I can easily connect to Mother Nature because I love nature, animals and trees and the breeze that whispers across my face that reminds me that my son is connected to me and to the Universe.

I pray that we each find in our hearts a place that sorrow and joy can be companions and move forward to enlightenment, healing, finding hope and a new normal in our lives.  We must give ourselves time and then some more time and probably again and again.  We must recognize that we each do it our way and in our own time.  With that said, “Namaste” – the spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

In love and deep understanding,

Sandra xx

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