It has been a hard day. I am amazed how overwhelmed I can become on days like this one. I know it is all part of the process. It is a long and very hard process to say the least.
Jeremy always comes to me when I get into the raw meltdown stages…..”I am here Mom, keep your eyes on the fact that I am here". Which is true and I lean very heavily on the nonphysical realm that he is still with me and we are connected. I cannot express how much his comforting helps me and actually “saves” me at times. There is no way to express to anyone the depth, the height, the breadth of the pain of enduring the tragedy of a child going before the parent, unless you are in those shoes too. It is totally raw terror and hell.
Jeremy prompted me to get busy and keep my mind on other things; do busy stuff and "get into a place where something will take my mind from the pain. Get away from the pain". So, as usual, I took his advice. Blew my nose, wiped my eyes, took a deep breath and got busy. I can’t even tell you what I did today, but whatever it was it helped me with the pain and I was able to be a bit functional.
I started thinking today about all the noises we have in our heads. We have the home units going and making all the background noises we get so used to. We have traffic noises, dogs barking in the background, and airplanes going above us. Actually, when you think about it there are many noises that we get use to and they become hummings in the background.
I have been busy praying out loud, praying in my head, my mantras, plugged into my meditations and/or have my spiritual music soothing my mind and soul. My thought is; with all this going on how hard it must be for us to be reached/contacted in the physical realm from the nonphysical. We all have guardian angels and they prompt us and guide us and we are sometimes oblivious to their help.
I am thinking that in the very quiet silence of nothing; deep in our bellies, down to the very core where we really reside at our soul level, is where we need to be tuned into. I would like to be in total silence, in the present, in the now and being in that very moment to gain strength, wisdom, comfort and guidance. I am very hungry to hear from and learn from the Spirit. I would love to have revelations permeating my soul and my mind. But with that said, I also know that all the answers are at the soul level; it is getting back to the silence and being a good listener on days that I can be still and listen.
One of the hardest things for me to do is to shut down my mind and keep it from running amuck. I know that our Energy Source, God, the Universe and Mother Nature have all kinds of things to share with me if I would just be quiet and listen.
With the tragedy of losing Jeremy I need this more than ever. I don’t mean this to be used as a crutch, but I know I cannot do this alone. Besides, it keeps me in some contact with my son and for me this is a crucial part; knowing that the connection all leads to us being one – a Universal Mind and one with God.
I will have to say though in sharing these thoughts that there are times I need the clutter of all the noise and distractions because some days it is too challenging mentally and emotionally to be still, to be in silence. It can hit me so hard that I feel as though my mind is splitting and I could totally go over the bend. Today has been one of those and I never know why one day is worse than the other; it just is. But even with the clatter of everything going on I could feel Spirit still reaching out to me and bringing me comfort and new thoughts to help gain composure.
It is about how we can do what we can do each minute of each day, day after day. It is so exhausting that some days I wonder if I can survive one more day. Then I think of my son and I do not want to burden him, I want to make him proud and I think of my daughter and grands and I know I will make them proud. I am a Marine Mom and I will also be a champion, no matter how tough it gets I am going to get tougher. And....as Jeremy has reminded me one step back is not to be taken as failure it is progress because I will take another step forward and I am moving and breathing and going forward.
You have to do it your way, I have it my way to do, but it is good to share perhaps in sharing there will be nuggets for us to learn from and lean on. There is no wrong way to do this and there is no right way. It is just our very own way completing our journey.
God bless us and help us and show us our way…… xx
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