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Sunday, January 15, 2017

Memoirs with Jeremy

I managed another year of holidays.  Started off fairly well for Thanksgiving, but Christmas threw me for a loop; it was extraordinarily painful.  With that said; I have made progress.  I decided to return to the assistance of medication support.  I am prone to depression and anxiety on a good day.  The meds helps take the edge off and keep at bay the panic attacks.  I have tried off and on not wanting to medicate, but it just makes life easier with the help.  My daughter says "whatever it takes Mom" and really that is the crux for us all.  It is different for us individually.....but whatever it takes to help deal with the pain, depression and anxiety- for any of us .  I have made more progress with the help of meds.  I am a lot more functional and even dress each day now.  I am more capable of shopping for groceries and doing the everyday mundane chores we each have.  I still have issues with driving; white outs and not knowing where I am at times

For some reason this has hit my brain hard.  Short term memory loss and anti-social from the inception of this tragedy.

Once again, I am only revealing such personal information in hopes that someone in need of help and identifying their symptoms is helped by sharing.  It is actually very embarrassing and has taken me by storm.  Now that I can identify that a panic attack is looming I can control my environment realizing what I personally need to do.  It has been anywhere from taking deep breaths to trying to not RUN from a get together with family.  My meds do not eradicate the symptoms but it does assist me in having a more normal life.

I spoke so often of a new normal and really there is nothing normal about this and there will never be.  But I have made a life for myself.  I have moved from the city to the rural area of East Texas where there is peace and quiet....serenity.  Being next to nature is being next to God for me and it has helped me to settle in with myself and endeavor to move forward.

Some things will never change.  The pain and the loss is incomprehensible.  I miss Jeremy more with each and every day and second I breathe.  But I am coping now and the meds are just a crutch to help me cope.  I have to be careful with alcohol.....only a glass or two of wine....on occasion...otherwise; it spins me into depression that takes days to overcome.  My vices are scrabble and cookie jam and the news.  It helps keep my brain from playing over and over the surreal fact that Jeremy is in another dimension.  More importantly focusing on all of the above spiritually has been the largest factor of handling all of this to the best of my (personal) ability.

It sucks .... it is heartbreaking - literally, but I know that my son is overseeing me and is with me at all times....until we meet again.

I love you son.

Proud Mom of
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

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