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Friday, March 11, 2016

Memoirs with Jeremy

I spent March 9, 2016 my son's 31st birthday downloading photos onto Facebook to share some memories and I like to think I keep his spirit "alive"  and earthbound by sharing.  There were so many likes and comments and found a lot of support and love for Jeremy.  It helps on many dimensions; keeping me busy and seeing love pour out to him for his sacrifice.  I looked at pictures for the first time in almost five years.  To date I had not been able to bear even seeing a picture of my beautiful son; just so painfully hard.  I feel a small amount of progress to have done this for him.

I also had my mom and sister here to support me.  My sister brought red, blue and white flowers in his honor, mom made lunch and I made an apple pie from scratch in his honor.  This also help to fill in the spaces of time.

I have had two hard days afterward though.  It seems the day of I am busy and capable of keeping somewhat distracted even though my heart and body are screaming in pain.  The last two days I feel "hungover" (not from booze) and severely depressed.  Those of you who have jobs to go to - I really don't know how you do it.  My mind and body are "PTSD'd" .... well, I am more functional than even a year ago.....the birthday is very hard.

Now on the heel of his birthday - I have 04-06-11 looming over me....so I go from one devastating date to the other.

Spiritually I had a few things significant that happened.  I felt very "impressed" to give a perfectly good pair of his cowboy boots to someone and they were so appreciative.  It seemed to me that was Jeremy's birthday gift - to give to someone in need - just like him too.   So proud of you son.  There were many subtle things that I felt Jeremy close - nearby - watching over me.  His presence these days is like having one foot/toe in the door whilst busy somewhere else.

Five years .....I am so thankful to have the darkest hours behind me.  It would be easy to slip back into despair sometimes, but that is so intensely dark and scary I would never return.  I keep my eyes and ears open spiritually; I keep a thankful heart for many things remaining including my daughter and I keep my eyes on heaven and all the angels who help me every day.

Happy Birthday Son - I love you more today than I did yesterday and even the past moment.  I love you and am so thankful I get to be your mom.  So, so thankful for that!!!  I would go through all the darkness and pain again just to spend time and be your mom. 

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-11


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