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Saturday, December 19, 2015

Memoirs with Jeremy

Reflection time.....I have been thinking about how my life has transformed and transpired over the last year.   I have a few friends that I am sure I have thoroughly confused.  For months I have had the mantra of how well I have been and am doing.  How I have progressed and have moved forward.  How I would love that they visit and we catch up and all is well.....I am doing fine.

Then the spiral downward.  Again.  I made it a lot further this time.  But the crash landing was harsh.

I have been so busy going forward and making progress; working on the new normal that I forgot about me.  I have for many months worked myself from morning until bedtime going to bed exhausted to wake up and start the routine over again.  Until the crash; again the landing was harsh.

I was doing so well that I convinced family and friends that my progress was almost painless.  Maybe a slight exaggeration but in the spirit of making a point - I fooled me too.

I couldn't keep the pace or the front because the impact of not letting myself grieve was too hard mentally and emotionally and it took its toll.  It is very confusing to people who try to be friends with you - the emotional rollercoaster is too much for them, usually.

Everyone one of us grieve in our own way.  Perhaps it was good for me to push so hard to make that new normal; honestly, I am not sure.  What I know is though it not so much a deception as it is denial.  That too familiar word again.

I am still facing denial.  It is still too hard to face the full reality of Jeremy not being here on earth with me.  Denial is still the buffer that helps me gradually callous over my pain to be able to go forward.

It is almost five years.  It seems forever yet like yesterday.  It seems surreal still.  So hard to grasp after five years of not being able to see him, hear his laugh - his essence.

So, after loosing a few friends to my mental and emotional decline.  I go a few steps backwards and am again - moving forward.

I forgive myself the decline and learn from my journey.  This is never acceptable; but it is how life is now.  I do wish to be that steadfast and brave Marine Mom because I want to bring honor to Jeremy's life and sacrifice - he taught me so much yet I was suppose to be the example.  He still amazes me to this day and I am sure forever.

I share this in hopes that you as a parent who is journeying with me on this very difficult road and tasks we face.......I thought that five years would be a major breakthrough and that I could pick up and go on.  This is me - of course - we are all different - but another set back was in the cards for me.

I took it pretty hard - was fairly harsh with myself - feeling as though I had lead friends on, etc.  But I share to say - it is just part of the process.  We all have our process and whatever that may be, whatever it takes ..however long it takes... it is truly OK.

Proud Mom of
SSGT. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

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