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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Memoirs with Jeremy

Three years.....four months......still counting......too long to go without seeing your son.  I have read and have been told that it takes between three to five years to be functional again.....no such thing as normal.....well, it is a new normal.

I have really positive ideas and thoughts.  I push forward with a spiritual knowledge that keeps me strong.  It doesn't matter how positive you are though.  You still miss them when they are gone from this earth.  You miss them more each day; each second of each day.  I am so hungry to see Jeremy, to hear his voice - especially his laugh.....it is simply agonizing.  It is still harder than hard.

I share my true feelings hoping that it is some kind of measurement to another parent who is searching for some kind of semblance of peace in the most unacceptable thing that could happen to you.  It is a tragedy and it always will be a tragedy.

I have moved recently.  My entire life has been turned upside down......but the move is a good one.  I moved from Dallas to East Texas over a year ago and have moved again....two moves in a year and half...no wonder I am weepy.  I have had to go through a lot of Jeremy's things and his pictures.....it all takes you have guard and hurts like hell.  It has caused a new stream of grieving.....I wanted to do this on my own and be independent from anything or anyone that would feel responsible for me.  I have to do this on my own......I am thankful to be able to do this alone actually.  I have too much on my plate to have anyone in my life ...... it helps me to be stronger on some dimension.

I have read that to not resist you accept the unacceptable.  I have stated on more than several occasions that this is never acceptable....it isn't.....but I think it is all a play on words.....I accept that Jeremy isn't coming home......I just don't accept that it is okay that he isn't coming home ever, ever  - ever again.  I accept that he chose his journey and I wouldn't change it.  If I were given the choice to change his destiny there is NO way I would interfere with his life, his journey or how "he did it his way".   It just isn't an acceptable fact that a child leaves this earth plane before a parent does....just isn't right for us.....as parents.....but, for Jeremy, it was his journey, his choice - his decision so perhaps it is right for him. I really struggle with the word acceptance, acceptable in this arena - it is just a word however.

As parents we are really just portals that our children travel through to the earth plane from a dimension that is infinite.   A dimension that is infinitely intelligent, loving and pure.  We get the blessing of bringing them forth and nurture them until they are ready to sojourn on their on.  We are merely vessels ....we do not own them.....they do not truly belong to us ...... they belong to themselves and to God ..... we are just blessed to have that special connection as a parent to help them to fulfill their destiny no matter how long or how short it is......

I may whine and cry and lament still.  But the truth never leaves me.  Jeremy had a life to live and he did just that......I have a life to live too and I am learning to see it as a gift to me again.....it is only through thanksgiving and love that I can dig in and go forth.

I love being Jeremy's mom.  I am so thankful - so very thankful I got to be his mom.

I love you son,

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC Marine Corps

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