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Sunday, August 12, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I am aware of Jeremy’s presence most days although the connection on a daily basis is more subtle.  I am really missing him as time goes by and yesterday I asked that he do something to confirm his presence.  I needed confirmation being a novice in the spirit realm of supernatural events and really it more affirmation than anything. 

The day went by and even though, as he does often, reassures me that he is connected to me saying “I am here mom”, I still need reassurance.  Realizing that I can speak with him it still gets quiet sometimes and that reminds me that it is my portal that has closed.

I wakened this morning and as I often do begin to thank the Spirit for the trees, my furry babies and from my heart am so grateful for what does remain; my daughter and her family, my mom and siblings, my dad’s family and the list goes on raising my vibration to the point that it isn’t as painful minutes later to face another day without my son in the physical realm.

I go about my routine of letting the kids out, giving their much deserved treats to them and head towards the kitchen.  I opened my door to the hallway which has a half-bath.  It is a pet peeve of mine that the door stay opened to the half-bath and there it was; the door was opened almost to the wall.  I won’t give you the details on why I keep the door barely cracked to vent air, how the kids are never left alone to nudge the door open in that area, etc.  There is no way, examining them all; this door could have “flung” itself wide open.

The door had very much been opened by “someone” and I even crept through my house thinking I had a visitor; knowing full well that my visitor in many ways still lives with me.  

I had to laugh because my son knows how to get my attention.  The door open prevents my going in and out of my bedroom without side stepping a bit to reach my room.  Then it being a pet peeve it would be exactly how he would “pick on” me in the physical realm.  He was always pulling practical jokes and provided much entertainment and fun around the house.  I am glad to know he still has his sense of humor.

To some this may seem a small thing, but to know me and how anal I can be about things around the house you would say….. “Oh my gosh”…..and know this wasn’t an accident.

I share this morning because I am hoping that it strikes a connection with you to know that our children live on and are not d e a d….they are very much alive in the spirit realm and are watching over us.  I just spoke to a mother whose daughter recently transitioned and she said she too felt her daughter’s presence.

I focus on that my son is alive and well, in fact, prior to his prank this morning I received a message from another party with Jeremy saying “I am happy, at peace, and I love you very much.  Please don’t worry about me.”  What more could a mom ask for than her child be at peace and happy, even though not with us…..hard I know, but regardless we want them at peace and happy.

If I focus that he has only transitioned from one “state” to another; physical to nonphysical, I find that my acceptance on the ladder of seven steps of grieving is much easier to understand.

If our children were d e a d it doesn’t get any more final than that and I would have to ask…. What’s the point?  I therefore accept his transition into a better life and know that I will see him again.

This may sound very harsh, however; it is a reality I have found within myself and I will share my thoughts and that is – grieving is a very selfish space.  I think of the grandchildren I won’t have and I think along the lines that Jeremy never bought his first house, never will have kids, he will never ride is motorcycle which was his “baby”, etc.  Yet I know within my heart of hearts these things are temporary and he finished his business and is now doing much more important business.

I have asked him to forgive me countless times because I know that the space I am occupying while I grieve is about me missing him, not seeing him in the physical realm, the list goes on and on.  Yet, knowing full well that HE is happy, HE is at peace and HE is in a beautiful and loving dimension and when I remind myself of where Jeremy truly is I start climbing out of midnight, or switch the light upon the inception of midnight and be HAPPPY FOR MY SON.

I also at that point remind myself that Spirit has given me a life to fulfill and I need to honor that and do so with as much love and appreciation I can muster.  This doesn’t mean that I am not entitled to grief, I am certainly.  What I am not entitled to is staying there for the rest of my journey; I would deliberately make the decision to be a walking “d e a d” person.

I also know I will have to remind myself of this more often than not because the reality in our time space is that in the physical realm I will and do miss him and that will never change, I however; will do my best to finish my journey to the very best of my ability and I know Spirit asks no more of me than that.

It has been sixteen months since Jeremy’s transition and I still have so much to learn but when you get to the bottom of what life is really about on earth; it is not about material things, successful businesses, money in the bank, etc.  It is about maturing, growing up and awaken to who we are. 

I feel as though I have been asleep most my life except for my children, I have been a sleep walker.  It is a very hard journey now with much anguish but at the same time my spirit is truly being awakened and I know my son is helping me and is helping with the preparation of my last “road trip” when it is time to leave this world.

I share this in hopes of that peace that does surpass all understanding for each and every one of us who have lost a child.  We are a unique species now and view the world differently than most but in sharing I pray that it gives us a moment’s pause for a deep breath, perhaps a long sigh that will awaken our spirits giving us strength, wisdom and peace to help others and we find our purpose in what seems like insanity right now.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xxoo

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